Got a cold? Watch Victor Victoria and Write!

So, got a massive head cold, maybe the flu.  And that's sort of good because it is slowing down my self-sabotage and drug/alcohol use.  I have been on a Reign of Terror (Tara Rain) for quite a while and have now gotten myself almost to zero.

Actually I am less than zero.

Here's the new Poem I'm working on.  Called The Hospital:  The First Visit to Underland

The First Visit to Underland

The first time I went to the hospital never happened

At least according to my mother

I was thirty four.  

I was never there. 

I was never up all night the night before, 

panicking, believing

that the electricity in the walls could read my mind

and the listeners were NOT kind...

that the people on TV were dead and puppets

that the colors red and blue were nations of thought

that the red was bad, the blue was good

And I didn't crawl on the floor of my apartment, screaming

looking through the cat door at the policemans shoes

my eye through the opening like Alice

Refusing to open the human door, 

because The Man's shoe leather was cheap and scuffed,

so I COULDN'T believe their shiny badges.

I didn't know this then, but I had been trained to spot a ringer at a mile early on

Use my charming smile like a gun and Run, or 

FIGHT.  

Never give in, never.

You have a little brother, and he can't walk, can't even talk yet, yet, yet.

So you have to wait until you're bigger

Until then You are a slave

Save yourself, save your brother, SAVE

You have to be BRAVE.  You have to Wait in the Cut.  Yes, yes, yes.

Cut them with your razor teeth. CUT. Cut, cut, cut.

"We should have killed them all", said my little one with the SAND 

But I didn't know that then, in real time, not before.

that's probably when the screaming began

Alice had always been standing guard in her pinafore

Arms strapped behind her back

with a bloody knife in her handcuffed hand

Didn't know about my Underland.

I wasn't tackled to the ground raving when they finally broke in

(I had neglected to lock the human door

thought i was safe in my cheshire cat position)

I wasn't slapped in cuffs, a 250 pound man-knee in my back.

RED and BLUE lights, Red and Blue lights, Red and Blue lights.  

Strobe Swirl Strobe Swirl across my aching eyes

An affront to the early morning sunlight, 

My mind breaking dawn

As the neighbors came out to lawn watch

the insanity spawn 

The outer din mimicking my inner spin

My REVOLUTION.

I wasn't shoved and stuffed into the back of a black and white, 

Terrified

To be delivered to the doors of the place I never went

and went there for a week.

The North wing I think, the bad one.

A whole new Vista in Gainesville for me

I didn't see a man growl like a dog and lift his leg to pee

on the floor.

I didn't see another continually

Take his shirt off and dance a suggestive dance 

to the orderlies

I didn't stay up all night because I was so scared of being in such a place

Where folx had lost their human faces

And the staff were just poorly paid mercenaries

Far from helping, just fools

Nurse ratchet tools

I didn't wait until the dead of night to cry in the shower. 

All of my false bourgeoisie  

power 

washing down the drain with my tears

My parent's fame gone, thank god.

Goodbye, Engineer

So long

So long in the corner of the dirty tiled floor naked, until the water turned cold

I shook and I did not understand.  

This visit that never happened

Covered up with my mother-lawyers gab of glib

This was to be just the first hospital visit that never happened

Frozen I did not understand

This was just the first

Just the First 

Visit to Underland.