Buddy Movie

Its like a buddy road trip movie, except that the buddy is me and we only travel in our head.  bur otherwise its excellent!!!!!!  So basically that mean to viewer on the outsidfe::   Crazy heavy freckled grirl laughing and taking to herself as she lays in a hammock in the bright orange sunlight.  And alsoo crazy freckled gril doing stuff with herse3fl like a schzo, but I am not schizo I am dissociative. :)

Happy

I am completely and utterly dissocaied now.  and I dont care, wich is coool.  so I am letting this go out as it is.   because this is the truth.   the truth is messy and gross and incorect grammaticallly.   I am watching Girls and I am very happy about the seond season.   They are telling the truth about class and fame and whoring and the lines that blur between them.  I love it. love it. love it.  i am so fcking out of it right now that ovviouadsly i cant type for shit.  but i am safe.  i am in my pretty apt with green grass and sunlight and a hammock.   Safe.  And we paid the rent and made sure there was enough money in the account for the check to clear even though it wont cleear for like a week and a half.  He always takes forever to cash the check.  but that is cool, becuasue the point is when you write the check, you have the money. DONE. via GABRIEL.

Also we own the internet at this place now.  Whooot!!!!!!!!!! We fucking rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We did the thing Nancy does on Weeds.  We did what Jessa does on Girls.  We just took what was ours and were fari about it and 1YATTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  And fuck them if they try to fuck with us. Chesire Grin

some new rules?

ok, so we are trying to figure out how to dissociate when we are not high.  So we've heard that we have to have an hour of alone naked time in the house to run and scream around  per day.  Ok.   Will do, although there was a quyeasy feeling in my stomach just then , but I think its ok.  be in the sunlight more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okeydokey.  sunlight more.  alone.  we need alone sunlight time.  Is the hammock safe enough? No, because of the fucking neighbors.  fich.  well we'll work on that.  laying in the grass.  not the hammock.   ok

gabriel is gay. he likes boys.  we just figured that out.  victoria likes girls. problem.   not a huge problem, but a funny one.  i say.  who is i?

snyder park was a safe place. we need to go there i guess. no place else workds.  ok.  done..once a day? thats a lot.  Yeah, vut what the fuck else are we doing? serisously?  Yeah, I gueass you're right.

tired, movies.  yessssssssssssssssssssssssss.

So This Is Why We Dissociate

So I am zoned to the universe on DXM in a beautiful angry orange sunlight place.  And I'm Like lets do this. This is wh we sissocdiate.  we let it go . or soething . idosn know ifi can type fast enough to get this all down.  I am in the moment of NO.  NO orange beautiful blasting out.   i want it to be  world where there3 is no fuckin g need for NO, but that is not the world we live in.  Orange is the New Black F*cksgiving  That is it.  They captured it perfectly.  its amazimg.  piper says you CANT HAVE ME, YOU COULD NEVER HAVE ME. or something like that.  she screams it out in a total seemingly dissociative state and then confirms it by having sex with Vause when she gets out of SHU.  And then the audience gets all excited about a  love triangle, lesbian sex, blah , blah.  BUT THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT

THE POINT IS, THAT YOU DON'T OWN ME.  YOU WILL NEVER OWN ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER WIN.  I AM ME.  I LOVE ME.  I CLAIM ME.  I CLAIM ME AND ALL ME NEEDS TO BE HAPPY., not too much stuff.  But enough to be FUCKING HAPPY.  So BASICALLLY, FUCK OFF, WORLD,  I AM GOING TO BE A GREEN VEGETARIAN POET WITH A DRUM AND A GUITAR AND A TRUCKLOAD OF MATH AND  BASIC CHEMISTRY KNOWLEDGE AND i AM GOING TO LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE.  WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING OVER THEIR PAIN BY PAINTING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND RUNNING...... and yoga :)  and I want to live a healthy life creating stuff? (dont know what yet) helping people figure systems out, because I am incredibly good at that.  I can figure a system like nobody's business.  SO.  LET'S GET FIGURING!!!!

i love you jeanette.

I'm doing therapy when I do DXM

That's pretty much it.  I am toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared of this shit in regular chemical land, so I go to DXM land to do it.  But it is becoming absurd.  Because I know what I'm doing, the curtain is pulled back, the wizard is revealed.   You use drugs to think about things you don't want to think about when your brain is normal.  You are afraid you will die, I guess?  Or that you won't get it right?  We have to

 I N T E G R A T E

Trauma world with the fucking real world.  Integrate Trauma world with real world. integrate trauma world with the real world.  then we would not need DXM, but we are being a little bit of a chickenshit and will not do this without the fucking drug.  you need to be fuckind dead fucking sober and call your mother out.  Not to her face.  But to yourself.  And mayber your therapist, and a friend.  Because DXM land is possible in the real world.  its called facing the truth.  Serioulsy, I think thats what we've been doing this whole time.  We've been fucking frankenstein manhattan projecting this shit, trying to chemically get our brain in the right frame, the right ecology to understand and believe these truths.  Because we are a scientist first, (slowly changing to scientist/poet, but whatever) we fucking experimented with ourselves to cushion the blow?  It's not that simple.  We were not capable of hearing it any other way, or else we would have done it that way.  This is the way we found.  It's  not perfect.  By a long fucking shot, thank you Gina,Brian, Michele, Jeanette, Chris, etc.  But it is a workable solution right now, and I guess thats why I'm not stopping.


WHOAH

Fuck. I am not stopping.   BECAUSE IT FUCKING WORKS. i can access things very much more easily than when i'm regular.  When I'm sober, to get in the same state I have to feel safe and free.  Hah.  So... That means that I have to be alone in the woods but knowing support is available, with sunlight and privacy, and no shame.  I have to be able to do or say or dance or speak or type or fart or whatever I need to do with no shame... 

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiitttttt.  I just called myself out.  I don't need a big 3 fucking ring circus.  I need time, privacy, support, aloneness, nature, basic needs (ie food, shelter, in a nice way, etc), sunshine, growing things, water, and time.   And then more time to record what I just went through.  Record the thoughts.  Write them., sing them, dance them? :), whatever.  So. again. Support. Green beautiful nature. Aloneness. Privacy, no shame. Time. Share with someone, that's it!  Even if it's sharing with yourself.  Share it.  Shout it. Dance it Scream it.  It is the truth and it loves when it's spoken.  The evil is washed out when you say its name.   ......           ......           .....            ....     


That's fucking it.  That's all I need. How did it take this damn long to get here?  I'm joking but not? I had to take every step I took, but it's funny that in the end, it's so simple. 

OK, so I'm peaking on Dxm, and I want to go enjoy it and it's not good for writing anyway.  or maybe itis?  I want Brian to read all of this, if he could continue to be my therapist.  Otherwise I guess, theres not enough time.  It's all coming down tomorrow Yay.  Tellin him everything.

"Unsolicited Advice to Adolescent Girls with Crooked Teeth and Pink Hair...

Another day and I am smiling. And crying. And good.

I went to my 3:30 meeting today.   I love that meeting.  Vaughn called me last night and left me a message saying that he had tracked down my number because he was worried about me.  It was wonderful to be so cared for.  Karen also called.  I am drowning in concern.  Which is probably well-founded concern. As I was a fucking mess on Tuesday when I was there last.  I started crying in the freaking meeting.  Said that I had been thinking about hurting myself.  All because fucking jerk off, daughters of bitches program won't let me back, and were rude, shaming and insulting about it.  It makes me so hurt and angry to think about it, and I don't mind being angry, but I HATE being hurt.  I am invulnerable, tough, and I don't get hurt by the likes of the losers at program.  I don't want to be weak.  I HATE being weak.  I hate asking for something and being told no.  I hate being rejected when I shouldn't even care anyway.  They have all the power and wield it it seems without giving a shit about whom they hurt.  THEY SUCK.  Lara sucks, Malin sucks, the other one sucks, they all fucking suck.

So what else is new...  I'm still walking pretty much every day.  I walked 1.5 hours today.  I love walking in the sunshine and stretching in the sunshine and sweating in the sunshine.  I love the trees, and the sound of the ocean and all the people walking along the boardwalk.  I love humanity, although individual humans bother me most of the time.

I can't seem to get a handle on my time during the day.  It just slips away and I haven't done anything I want to do.  I haven't called yet about Medicare D, I haven't done my laundry, I haven't cleaned up my papers.  And I definitely haven't been writing.  I want to write.  Fiction.  I want to write fiction, but I don't seem to do it.  I have to set aside the time and just do it.  First is to set aside the time.  I think the best time would be in the morning, before my walk?  I think so, I'd like to try it.  I think I am having no time because I am getting up so late.  If I got up early in the morning, I believe I would get more done.  Because I always sort of think of the evening/night time as time to relax.  So I wake up at noon, walk, go to the 3:30 meeting, call Carol and hang out all night, never getting any of my chores done.

Well tomorrow I'll be getting up early because I am going to see Gus about the half-way house.  I'm going to check it out and see if it's something I want to live in.  I really hope that the chairs I saw through the window are not how he's furnishing it.  Because I want a real living room with couches, etc.  Not a cold room full of doctor's office waiting room chairs.  It's a deal breaker.  We need to make a home.  Where we feel safe and comfortable.

I started writing a fairy tale about my childhood and I really like it.  I just have to get back to it.  Or maybe I shouldn't until I'm back in therapy.  What do I want to write about?  Caz told me last night that Asimov said that once you have a situation you like, think of the person who would most be effected by that situation and make the story about them.  Good advice.  Stephen King said to set aside time every day and just write.  He also said to read as much as you possibly can, and I already do that.  So now I just have to set aside time.  I am going to set aside an hour.  Just an hour at first.  I've never done this before and I have to be kind and easy with myself.  Usually I just jump in and burn myself out.  So if an hour turns out to be too much, I'll do a half hour.  Because the point is to do it daily, not kill myself.

Have I mentioned how fucked up I am about program rejecting me?  It comes in waves (of pain and nausea)  I almost wound up in the hospital about it, but instead I asked Carol to spend the night with me.  It worked.  But I still hate them right now.  How dare they be so careless with my feelings! FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I'm going to go to bed thinking about something positive, because I won't be able to sleep otherwise.  I am going to think about how excited I am to walk tomorrow.  And to write for an hour.  I am really excited about that.  I am going to think about how I have found a solution in AA, that I have found people who care, and if I reach out, I can have support and friendship.  I really like Vaughn.  And Karen.  And Ray when she's in town.  I am going to think about how I am unstoppable, and incredibly talented and fun.  And that I am better than all the negative shit around me.  I am clean and pure and light, and I rise above the dark, the evil.  I have done it, I am better than it, I have bested the demon at it's own game.   We are wonderful, pure, beautiful and perfect the way we are!