Its like a buddy road trip movie, except that the buddy is me and we only travel in our head. bur otherwise its excellent!!!!!! So basically that mean to viewer on the outsidfe:: Crazy heavy freckled grirl laughing and taking to herself as she lays in a hammock in the bright orange sunlight. And alsoo crazy freckled gril doing stuff with herse3fl like a schzo, but I am not schizo I am dissociative. :)
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Thursday, August 1, 2013
So This Is Why We Dissociate
So I am zoned to the universe on DXM in a beautiful angry orange sunlight place. And I'm Like lets do this. This is wh we sissocdiate. we let it go . or soething . idosn know ifi can type fast enough to get this all down. I am in the moment of NO. NO orange beautiful blasting out. i want it to be world where there3 is no fuckin g need for NO, but that is not the world we live in. Orange is the New Black F*cksgiving That is it. They captured it perfectly. its amazimg. piper says you CANT HAVE ME, YOU COULD NEVER HAVE ME. or something like that. she screams it out in a total seemingly dissociative state and then confirms it by having sex with Vause when she gets out of SHU. And then the audience gets all excited about a love triangle, lesbian sex, blah , blah. BUT THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT
THE POINT IS, THAT YOU DON'T OWN ME. YOU WILL NEVER OWN ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER WIN. I AM ME. I LOVE ME. I CLAIM ME. I CLAIM ME AND ALL ME NEEDS TO BE HAPPY., not too much stuff. But enough to be FUCKING HAPPY. So BASICALLLY, FUCK OFF, WORLD, I AM GOING TO BE A GREEN VEGETARIAN POET WITH A DRUM AND A GUITAR AND A TRUCKLOAD OF MATH AND BASIC CHEMISTRY KNOWLEDGE AND i AM GOING TO LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE. WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING OVER THEIR PAIN BY PAINTING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND RUNNING...... and yoga :) and I want to live a healthy life creating stuff? (dont know what yet) helping people figure systems out, because I am incredibly good at that. I can figure a system like nobody's business. SO. LET'S GET FIGURING!!!!
i love you jeanette.
THE POINT IS, THAT YOU DON'T OWN ME. YOU WILL NEVER OWN ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER WIN. I AM ME. I LOVE ME. I CLAIM ME. I CLAIM ME AND ALL ME NEEDS TO BE HAPPY., not too much stuff. But enough to be FUCKING HAPPY. So BASICALLLY, FUCK OFF, WORLD, I AM GOING TO BE A GREEN VEGETARIAN POET WITH A DRUM AND A GUITAR AND A TRUCKLOAD OF MATH AND BASIC CHEMISTRY KNOWLEDGE AND i AM GOING TO LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE. WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING OVER THEIR PAIN BY PAINTING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND RUNNING...... and yoga :) and I want to live a healthy life creating stuff? (dont know what yet) helping people figure systems out, because I am incredibly good at that. I can figure a system like nobody's business. SO. LET'S GET FIGURING!!!!
i love you jeanette.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
knowing you exist
Knowing you exist helps me so much. Knowing you wrote your ground bone poems, your pole dancing to gospel hymns, your sweating blood truthfullness, you advice to adolscent girls with pink hair and crooked teeth. You did/are doing the same thing i am doing. creation? reacreation? from the pyre. and just knowing you are there is enough sometimes. i can't actually click the link, i can't hear the words, they would hurt my new skin, but knowing that you lived it, you felt it, you wrote it, then YOU SAID IT. helps. so. fucking. much. thank you. thank me. we are miracles and warriors and princesses and princes and we deserve all the beauty and love in the world. thank you.
Do the Work
Fucking fuck. I don't wanna do the work, but i do wanna do the work, but fuck. OK, we gotta do the work. we gotta write the poems. we've gotta go for the walks. we gotta fucking do the fucking yoga. we gotta fucking meditate. fucking meditate. fuck. we don't wanna. we wanna do drugs and get high in the sky and teach beautiful theoretical math and fuck the world. and eat what sugar crap. but we gotta fucking drag ourselves outta this. we gotta. we gotta.
We have to do the work. It's on now, I guess. It's on. We are high right now, but I guess it has to stop. Eventually? (With a Chesire grin?) Fuck. Drug Problem.
Drug Problem.
We love the way we feel so much on DXM that we do not want to give it up. It almost feels like a "gimme" quick cut pull away to me kind of thing. My precious. It's MINE, AND I LOVE IT AND FUCK OFF. fuck.
And we gotta focus on what the problem is, and actually the problem is not DXM. The problem is that you are healing from a childhood of SEVERE abuse and mind-fucking and sex abuse and hurt. And your mother is a very sick person who is not going to be able to go on this journey with you. And your brother may not be able to go on this journey with you. He has come a fucking long way, and he may find a way to be happy, but you can't do it for him I ABSOLUTELY will help him any way that I can, but I can't control his path. It would be grotesque to do so. You are alone. You are going to make it. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop numbing reality. You have to feel the freakiness in real time, not drug time. You have to feel weird while you are sober. You have to feel dissociative and wonky while you are sober. While you are not chemically affected. It is OK. It is safe to be dissociative and wonky and sober. You will not let go and become fully crazy all the time. You can control it. It is actually beautiful. And you can do it. But although the drug is beautiful and it helps, it hurts you, it is a chemical not meant for your body, it is probably hurting your liver, it is probably hurting your heart muscle, it definitely hurts you ability to have mental perspective and clarity. Yes, it helps you feel and get to the truth. It does. I absolutely will not dispute that. It does fucking WORK. But it can't be a lifestyle. And you want it to be a lifestyle. I do. I want it to be a lifestyle of wonkiness and gut intuition and truth and weirdness and calm and beauty and truth. I am so scared to do it.
You have to fucking live out loud. Yeah, that movie. Cheesy, fuck yeah, but correct. Live Fucking Out Loud. You have to. You can't keep going doing this drug thing. I mean, you can. You seem to be handling work, money, therapy and drugs sorta well right now. You can do it. You just have to decide is that the life you want?
I've been watching Weeds. Probably a bad idea. but someone on it said he did all this terrible stuff, just to see if he could get away with it. And that is sort of how I feel about the DXM. Like, holy shit, I am dissociated to the fucking moon, high on chemicals and totally living my life. And it's working just fine. The only chinks are literally my own truthfulness. If I didn't go to therapy, if I didn't have a true relationship with my friends, I would be fine! It's sort of gross. I could live like this forever. I'm the one who keeps telling my fucking therapist I'm using drugs. If I didn't go to therapy there would be no problem. But I keep fucking going to therapy. I feel like I need it.
BECAUSE I DO FUCKING NEED IT. I need to tell my truth and be heard and loved and that is fucking therapy. OK, I feel like I gotta stop because now I want to defend DXM forever. OK. Stop.
We have to do the work. It's on now, I guess. It's on. We are high right now, but I guess it has to stop. Eventually? (With a Chesire grin?) Fuck. Drug Problem.
Drug Problem.
We love the way we feel so much on DXM that we do not want to give it up. It almost feels like a "gimme" quick cut pull away to me kind of thing. My precious. It's MINE, AND I LOVE IT AND FUCK OFF. fuck.
And we gotta focus on what the problem is, and actually the problem is not DXM. The problem is that you are healing from a childhood of SEVERE abuse and mind-fucking and sex abuse and hurt. And your mother is a very sick person who is not going to be able to go on this journey with you. And your brother may not be able to go on this journey with you. He has come a fucking long way, and he may find a way to be happy, but you can't do it for him I ABSOLUTELY will help him any way that I can, but I can't control his path. It would be grotesque to do so. You are alone. You are going to make it. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop numbing reality. You have to feel the freakiness in real time, not drug time. You have to feel weird while you are sober. You have to feel dissociative and wonky while you are sober. While you are not chemically affected. It is OK. It is safe to be dissociative and wonky and sober. You will not let go and become fully crazy all the time. You can control it. It is actually beautiful. And you can do it. But although the drug is beautiful and it helps, it hurts you, it is a chemical not meant for your body, it is probably hurting your liver, it is probably hurting your heart muscle, it definitely hurts you ability to have mental perspective and clarity. Yes, it helps you feel and get to the truth. It does. I absolutely will not dispute that. It does fucking WORK. But it can't be a lifestyle. And you want it to be a lifestyle. I do. I want it to be a lifestyle of wonkiness and gut intuition and truth and weirdness and calm and beauty and truth. I am so scared to do it.
You have to fucking live out loud. Yeah, that movie. Cheesy, fuck yeah, but correct. Live Fucking Out Loud. You have to. You can't keep going doing this drug thing. I mean, you can. You seem to be handling work, money, therapy and drugs sorta well right now. You can do it. You just have to decide is that the life you want?
I've been watching Weeds. Probably a bad idea. but someone on it said he did all this terrible stuff, just to see if he could get away with it. And that is sort of how I feel about the DXM. Like, holy shit, I am dissociated to the fucking moon, high on chemicals and totally living my life. And it's working just fine. The only chinks are literally my own truthfulness. If I didn't go to therapy, if I didn't have a true relationship with my friends, I would be fine! It's sort of gross. I could live like this forever. I'm the one who keeps telling my fucking therapist I'm using drugs. If I didn't go to therapy there would be no problem. But I keep fucking going to therapy. I feel like I need it.
BECAUSE I DO FUCKING NEED IT. I need to tell my truth and be heard and loved and that is fucking therapy. OK, I feel like I gotta stop because now I want to defend DXM forever. OK. Stop.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Friday, November 11, 2011
Beauty and Radical Acceptance (and some pain)
So it's 11:16 pm and I've made it through another day. I am truly impressed with myself. I didn't think I was going to make it. I thought I maybe should go to the hospital around 11 am, but was too depressed to get out of bed. So I just slept through the truly horrible feelings, and was able to get up to go to my 3:30 meeting. Wow.
If I had told myself this early this morning, I would have told myself to go fuck myself. I hated talking to Dr S today. I wanted to love it, I was bursting at the seams when I saw she called and I couldn't wait to call her back. But she talked to me like a robot, giving me no warmth, nothing. I hate her for that. Why is it so hard for anyone at program to be kind to me? She told Carol later that she had a positive conversation with me. HAH. I almost cut over that convo, Dr S, so not so positive. I just wanted to know that she was still there for me, still rooting for me, was still on my side. She gave me pablum. She gave me "I hear you have negative thoughts right now" She gave me "I believe you want to come back and work". Ummm, DUH. Thank you, but I already knew all that. I wanted to know you still cared about me. And you wouldn't be warm or kind or anything. I could have gotten more warmth from a fortune cookie fortune. And at least then I would have at least gotten to eat a cookie.
I went over to look at Gus's halfway house today. Carol loved it, but I felt it was very small, very congested, and I'm not sure how I would fit there. With 6 women in it, it would be close to impossible for me I think. But it seems like the healthy thing to do. AAAAAARGH. This personal space thing is not bullshit. Why can't I find a place that understands that? If I could have a room, even a tiny one, to myself, then I think I would be OK. Sharing with Carol might be as close as I get to that.
I'm getting tired, thank god. I'm going to a zen meditation conference with S tomorrow, and I'm a little scared about it, but I'm also a little excited. I am going to walk tomorrow morning. And maybe get my boxes ready to send back to Amazon. They have taken over my dining room table :)
I walked down to the water a few minutes ago, and it was beautiful. The air is cool, almost cold, the moon is full and there are whisps of clouds. Orion was bright. The water was much warmer than the cold sand and it felt like coming home. I love it here. I love the ocean at night. I love the trees at night. The air at night. I love it all.
I talked about radical acceptance in the AA group today, and N really liked it. She thought it came from the Big Book, and I was amused. It's from DBT. But AA's "higher power" and "faith in something greater than yourself" feels like DBT's radical acceptance to me. This insane optimism that they espouse- this idea that you are exactly where you need to be and that the answers will come to you and that the universe is looking out for you- has seemed like bullshit to me for so long. But as I think about it, I don't need to believe in god, or have faith. I just need to know that having this optimism works. It works if I think I am going to come out OK no matter what. I don't have to believe there is some divine hand at work, which is good, because i don't and never will. But I can understand that by scientific empirical methods it has been proven that being radically accepting and optimistic makes you feel better. And that is enough truth for me. Plus it just feels right. It feels like the best way to be a human being. And it feels like coming home.
If I had told myself this early this morning, I would have told myself to go fuck myself. I hated talking to Dr S today. I wanted to love it, I was bursting at the seams when I saw she called and I couldn't wait to call her back. But she talked to me like a robot, giving me no warmth, nothing. I hate her for that. Why is it so hard for anyone at program to be kind to me? She told Carol later that she had a positive conversation with me. HAH. I almost cut over that convo, Dr S, so not so positive. I just wanted to know that she was still there for me, still rooting for me, was still on my side. She gave me pablum. She gave me "I hear you have negative thoughts right now" She gave me "I believe you want to come back and work". Ummm, DUH. Thank you, but I already knew all that. I wanted to know you still cared about me. And you wouldn't be warm or kind or anything. I could have gotten more warmth from a fortune cookie fortune. And at least then I would have at least gotten to eat a cookie.
I went over to look at Gus's halfway house today. Carol loved it, but I felt it was very small, very congested, and I'm not sure how I would fit there. With 6 women in it, it would be close to impossible for me I think. But it seems like the healthy thing to do. AAAAAARGH. This personal space thing is not bullshit. Why can't I find a place that understands that? If I could have a room, even a tiny one, to myself, then I think I would be OK. Sharing with Carol might be as close as I get to that.
I'm getting tired, thank god. I'm going to a zen meditation conference with S tomorrow, and I'm a little scared about it, but I'm also a little excited. I am going to walk tomorrow morning. And maybe get my boxes ready to send back to Amazon. They have taken over my dining room table :)
I walked down to the water a few minutes ago, and it was beautiful. The air is cool, almost cold, the moon is full and there are whisps of clouds. Orion was bright. The water was much warmer than the cold sand and it felt like coming home. I love it here. I love the ocean at night. I love the trees at night. The air at night. I love it all.
I talked about radical acceptance in the AA group today, and N really liked it. She thought it came from the Big Book, and I was amused. It's from DBT. But AA's "higher power" and "faith in something greater than yourself" feels like DBT's radical acceptance to me. This insane optimism that they espouse- this idea that you are exactly where you need to be and that the answers will come to you and that the universe is looking out for you- has seemed like bullshit to me for so long. But as I think about it, I don't need to believe in god, or have faith. I just need to know that having this optimism works. It works if I think I am going to come out OK no matter what. I don't have to believe there is some divine hand at work, which is good, because i don't and never will. But I can understand that by scientific empirical methods it has been proven that being radically accepting and optimistic makes you feel better. And that is enough truth for me. Plus it just feels right. It feels like the best way to be a human being. And it feels like coming home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)