Princeling

Just because we are both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
You need to back the hell off today
Pay attention to my body seethe, please
Hear
my
Clear
verbal
no.
See my hand outstretched for a handshake.

I will not capitulate
When you state
"But we hug in NA"
Ah, hell no.
Especially if my body you can't respect.
You're acting like you're not grown.
Not a man
yet
not a king
yet

I can tell just by quietly observing
They way you've been behaving
Little Princeling
Walking in the rooms late and loud
Slapping hands with yr boys
Disturbingly proud
before finally sitting down
Legs splayed out
Hat cocked back,
eyes scanning the crowd
For folx to 13th step with, newbies to plow.

*Oh, a Footnote for the confused
You've heard of the 12 Steps, right?
A life and death fight
for sobriety for those who choose?
A quest for life through spiritual health.
Meaning not god exactly
(yeah, ah hell no!)
Oh, sorry, I meant to say god is not for me
Instead I use
willingness, honesty & integrity,
just to name a few

So, well, 13th stepping is when
NOT grown men & women
Do the opposite of sobriety zen
Instead of growing and and letting going
They use the rooms to 'hit that'
Chopping struggling saplings with an ax
Preying on fresh meat
Jackels stalking wounded gazelles
Taking two sobriety's down in one fell
Swoop

So just because we're both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
Put your arms down and away
I shake hands when we meet
No hugs here until I CHOOSE.
Until you just say "Hi" and
look straight into my eyes,
thinking of ME, not YOU.
Until you quit interjecting
and start respecting
That hugs are two way street
and you have swerved over the double yellow lines
Brother mine.
Now you are going the wrong way down my side.

I dont know you
You arent touching me
yet
Just because we're both in NA doesnt give you permission
I am on a mission to save my life.
And your fervent man-boy pheremones aren't what's gonna keep me clean tonight

I want to hear your thoughts
The real feelz
Deep down
Brave and spoken OUT LOUD
in a meeting
I want to hear you read a reading
Not just speeding through
I want to see you seeing instead of looking
Instead of preening
Why can't you see I am a Yew tree?
I cant hug
yet
But I am strong, just check
Lean your Heart against my Bark, just not your arms
Yet
I will touch when I trust
But I listen always
I will stick and stay
I will never look away
I can help staunch your bleed,
Eye to eye to infinity

Because I, this man-woman child
has some bleed of her own
Ax chops in childhood
until my sap was almost all gone
And I need personal space
To explore on
Wild hiking boots soled with diamonds
On the journey to reclaim my baby BoiGrrl
Still alive somehow inside my flames
I am Daenarys Stormborn and Grey Worm combined
And I am out to win my life
Win the Full Grown Genderfluid Titanium Throne

So, go my princeling, my budding King
Please stop scamming on newbies
Daydreaming through meetings
Go my brother, my sweet talking kin
Growing slowly into your adult skin
Go my princeling, go
and I know
You also
will find, create and
Win
your own
throne.

Personal Space.

I am not sure if my personal space is getting larger, or if I am just more in touch with my boundaries, but I am one raw nerve lately.  Anyone I don't know can't get near me without my hackles going up and my claws coming out.  I need a good 10 feet at all times.  If someone walks by me too closely I bristle.

I had to leave yoga yesterday because an old, gross, wheezy white man with gray hair put his mat TOO FUCKING CLOSE TO ME.  A class full of only women and this guy, and he puts his fucking mat next to mine about 2 feet too closely (even for normal spacing).  I became infuriated and anxiety ridden and could not concentrate.  I could feel his miasma crawling all over me as I was trying to breathe and do the poses.  It was more than I could bear so I left.  I knew I wasn't in control enough to be polite and ask him to move.  I was furious and wanted to strike out.  So I very quietly rolled up my mat, got my things and left in the middle of the class.  Ready to kill.

I got into the car and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed out my rage and frustration.  It sort of helped.  But I was still super-touchy and irritable for most of the night.  I am again right now just thinking about it.  My feelings, although not normal are:  HOW DARE HE GET SO CLOSE TO ME.  BACK UP RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER OR I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT.  BACK THE FUCK UP, YOU ASSHOLE, RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T EVEN BREATHE IN MY DIRECTION.  FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.  DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN.  YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOU FOR COMING NEAR ME.  YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BE NEAR ME, YOU ARE DELIBERATELY VIOLATING ME AND I WILL KILL YOU.

OK, I actually feel better now.  Obviously this is not about the poor guy in my yoga class.  And this is why I need to be at program, but they won't let me back.  FUCK THEM TOO.

OK, time to chill out and go back to the zen place.  Whoooo.