some new rules?

ok, so we are trying to figure out how to dissociate when we are not high.  So we've heard that we have to have an hour of alone naked time in the house to run and scream around  per day.  Ok.   Will do, although there was a quyeasy feeling in my stomach just then , but I think its ok.  be in the sunlight more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okeydokey.  sunlight more.  alone.  we need alone sunlight time.  Is the hammock safe enough? No, because of the fucking neighbors.  fich.  well we'll work on that.  laying in the grass.  not the hammock.   ok

gabriel is gay. he likes boys.  we just figured that out.  victoria likes girls. problem.   not a huge problem, but a funny one.  i say.  who is i?

snyder park was a safe place. we need to go there i guess. no place else workds.  ok.  done..once a day? thats a lot.  Yeah, vut what the fuck else are we doing? serisously?  Yeah, I gueass you're right.

tired, movies.  yessssssssssssssssssssssssss.

So This Is Why We Dissociate

So I am zoned to the universe on DXM in a beautiful angry orange sunlight place.  And I'm Like lets do this. This is wh we sissocdiate.  we let it go . or soething . idosn know ifi can type fast enough to get this all down.  I am in the moment of NO.  NO orange beautiful blasting out.   i want it to be  world where there3 is no fuckin g need for NO, but that is not the world we live in.  Orange is the New Black F*cksgiving  That is it.  They captured it perfectly.  its amazimg.  piper says you CANT HAVE ME, YOU COULD NEVER HAVE ME. or something like that.  she screams it out in a total seemingly dissociative state and then confirms it by having sex with Vause when she gets out of SHU.  And then the audience gets all excited about a  love triangle, lesbian sex, blah , blah.  BUT THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT

THE POINT IS, THAT YOU DON'T OWN ME.  YOU WILL NEVER OWN ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER WIN.  I AM ME.  I LOVE ME.  I CLAIM ME.  I CLAIM ME AND ALL ME NEEDS TO BE HAPPY., not too much stuff.  But enough to be FUCKING HAPPY.  So BASICALLLY, FUCK OFF, WORLD,  I AM GOING TO BE A GREEN VEGETARIAN POET WITH A DRUM AND A GUITAR AND A TRUCKLOAD OF MATH AND  BASIC CHEMISTRY KNOWLEDGE AND i AM GOING TO LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE.  WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING OVER THEIR PAIN BY PAINTING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND RUNNING...... and yoga :)  and I want to live a healthy life creating stuff? (dont know what yet) helping people figure systems out, because I am incredibly good at that.  I can figure a system like nobody's business.  SO.  LET'S GET FIGURING!!!!

i love you jeanette.

Do the Work

Fucking fuck.  I don't wanna do the work, but i do wanna do the work, but fuck.  OK, we gotta do the work.  we gotta write the poems.  we've gotta go for the walks.  we gotta fucking do the fucking yoga.  we gotta fucking meditate. fucking meditate. fuck.  we don't wanna.  we wanna do drugs and get high in the sky and teach beautiful theoretical math and fuck the world.  and eat what sugar crap.  but we gotta fucking drag ourselves outta this.   we gotta. we gotta.

We have to do the work.  It's on now, I guess.  It's on.  We are high right now, but I guess it has to stop.  Eventually? (With a Chesire grin?)  Fuck.  Drug Problem.

Drug Problem.

We love the way we feel so much on DXM that we do not want to give it up.  It almost feels like a "gimme" quick cut pull away to me kind of thing.  My precious.  It's MINE, AND I LOVE IT AND FUCK OFF.  fuck. 

And we gotta focus on what the problem is, and actually the problem is not DXM.  The problem is that you are healing from a childhood of SEVERE abuse and mind-fucking and sex abuse and hurt.  And your mother is a very sick person who is not going to be able to go on this journey with you.  And your brother may not be able to go on this journey with you.   He has come a fucking long way, and he may find a way to be happy, but you can't do it for him  I ABSOLUTELY will help him any way that I can, but I can't control  his path.  It would be grotesque to do so.  You are alone.  You are going to make it.  You have to stop doing drugs.  You have to stop doing drugs.  You have to stop numbing reality.  You have to feel the freakiness in real time, not drug time.  You have to feel weird while you are sober.  You have to feel dissociative and wonky while you are sober.  While you are not chemically affected.  It is OK.  It is safe to be dissociative and wonky and sober.  You will not let go and become fully crazy all the time.  You can control it.  It is actually beautiful.  And you can do it.  But although the drug is beautiful and it helps, it hurts you, it is a chemical not meant for your body, it is probably hurting your liver, it is probably hurting your heart muscle, it definitely hurts you ability to have mental perspective and clarity.  Yes, it helps you feel and get to the truth.  It does. I absolutely will not dispute that.  It does fucking WORK.  But it can't be a lifestyle.  And you want it to be a lifestyle.  I do. I want it to be a lifestyle of wonkiness and gut intuition and truth and weirdness and calm and beauty and truth.  I am so scared to do it.

You have to fucking live out loud.  Yeah, that movie.  Cheesy, fuck yeah, but correct.  Live Fucking Out Loud.  You have to.  You can't keep going doing this drug thing.  I mean, you can.  You seem to be handling work, money, therapy and drugs sorta well right now.  You can do it.  You just have to decide is that the life you want?

I've been watching Weeds. Probably a bad idea.  but someone on it said he did all this terrible stuff, just to see if he could get away with it.  And that is sort of how I feel about the DXM.  Like, holy shit, I am dissociated to the fucking moon, high on chemicals and totally living my life.   And it's working just fine.  The only chinks are literally my own truthfulness.  If I didn't go to therapy, if I didn't have a true relationship with my friends, I would be fine!  It's sort of gross.   I could live like this forever.  I'm the one who keeps telling my fucking therapist I'm using drugs.  If I didn't go to therapy there would be no problem.  But I keep fucking going to therapy.  I feel like I need it.

BECAUSE I DO FUCKING NEED IT.  I need to tell my truth and be heard and loved and that is fucking therapy.  OK, I feel like I gotta stop because now I want to defend DXM forever.  OK.  Stop.

Just Be. And a short description of a radical life changing event.

OK so I'm back again, writing.  I found my old LiveJournal from when I lived in Otown, and was so happy I had a window into my life back then.  So, I want to have a window into this time of my life too.  Thus the writing.

I am not sure when (or ever) I'll be done with going to group.  I have not been there for about 6 weeks ? I think, but I'm probably going to start back up this week.  I'm meeting with Lara about it manana 9:30 AM.  It was really nice to hear from her on Friday.  She called me to set up the meeting, and I told her how I felt- pissed off (when am I not?) and feeling extremely judged.  She told me I wasn't being judged, and that other people have had to write proposals to come back to group.  It made me feel better.  Also, she said she was invested in me :)

She's going to be gone from group for the next coupla weeks, so if I go back I will have my most recent (and recently loved) therapist in group as she will be taking over while Lara's on vaca.  Hmm, what to call this therapist?  How about:  Sharon.  OK.  So anyway I've been with Sharon since May and love her.  She is a great therapist, plus I got some raging transference going with her.  But THIS time I have a therapist who knows how to handle it.  She has talked with me hours about it, and the transference is going away.  I really respect and like her still though.  And if she weren't my therapist, and in a relationship, I would probably still want to date her.  Although she is a bit too much of a rule follower for my taste.

So I am lying around the house, avoiding leaving.  I know that if I continue to do this it will lead to depression, so I am going to go for my walk as soon as I'm done with this. 

Oh yes, for the past two weeks I have been trying to change my lifestyle around so that I will want to live.  I have been walking almost daily and doing yoga 3 times a week.  But I got tired the past few days and have not gone to yoga.  But that's OK.  I will go back.  Courage is getting up in the morning and saying "I'll try again."  That's a bastardization of a quote I love.  

Two weeks ago I overdosed on DXM and a bunch of things happened at once.  I incorporated myself if that's possible.  I convulsed for hours because of the memories I was having and probably from the DXM too.  But I've convulsed before completely sober, so I know it was because of the memories.  I wrote them all down as well as recorded them on my phone.  I then had a psychotic break and it was not fun.  I drove my car high.  I got my passport and drove to the airport and was going to fly to Colombia.  It is a loooooooooong story, but my brain just sort of short-circuited and it was not good.

But in all it was a wonderful experience.  Some might say a spiritual experience.  I learned that I loved myself.  That I can live.  That some truly awful stuff happened to me.  And that it hurt me, but I'm getting better.  It was wonderful.

And so this past two weeks has been living up to the health and love I felt that night.  So I'm taking care of myself- eating more healthily, stopped eating meat (because I find it morally repugnant but never respected my own thoughts enough to do anything about it, but now I do respect myself), started walking for 2 hours daily and started the yoga.  Plus going to meetings 5 times a week.  The yoga is very hard by the way.  I think I am intimidated and discouraged by how hard it is and how beginner I am.  Just writing this down makes me feel better about it though.  I am on my path, and right now I'm a beginner and that's why it's hard.  The teacher even said I was doing well. So there, other teacher who kept telling me I had to push myself!  As if I have EVER been easy on myself.  The problem for me is not going to be pushing myself, it is to stay kind to myself.  So it is OK I've taken a break for the past few days, and it is OK if I go back!

Speaking of taking care of myself, it's time to go for the walk.  I'm excited!  I'm excited to see Lara tomorrow, I've missed her.  I want to get better.  I have no idea what that looks like.  I have no idea what my healthy life will be.  I don't know what I want to do for a living.  Nothing.  But that's good, and I won't let anyone, be it my mother or the head of IOP guilt me into feeling otherwise.  It is OK if I'm not on the fast track to success.  I am allowed to just be.