I've taken a shower now. Should I go?

So, now I'm clean and somewhat sober.  Should I head out to his apartment complex?  And btw, I don't know exactly which apt he lives in.  Which is good.  Fuck.  I'm a stalker.

So, I should stay wet from my shower and fucking masturbate about him. Do not, do not, do not go over to his place and fucking stalk him.

So yeah, that's what I'll do.  But when I get into rehab, I'm telling my therapist all about this. And as of this moment, I don't give a fuck if my therapist knows who F is.  Which, btw, he will know.  Because F trained where I am going.  Which is why F couldn't go there himself for his treatment.

G'night.  I may or may not be riding for the next coupla hours.  How lazy am I?  Not sure yet.  But everyone else tells me I'm the hardest working girl they know.  So watch out. F :-)

I am tired, and I sorta stalked. And I def worked out.

I'm back from riding my bike.  I went to 93rd ave and 43rd st.  Far.  I made 2 detours.  One at F's apt complex, and one at the gas station to fill my tires.

No luck at the apt complex.  I only did one loop then left once I realized what a goddamn freak I was being.  So F, if you ever read this, I still have no idea where you live.

I'm tired.  And sweaty. I probably rode 20 miles.  Going to take a shower, fall asleep and wake up in time to go out with Dara.  Maybe we'll do something physical tonight.  It's the second date; is that time for kissing?  I forgot the rules.

G'night.

I'm going to ride my bike until I forget about him. Or have a coronary.

I'm off to ride my bike. I can't calm down, and I don't want to get more drunk and wind up with a hammer headache, so I'm gonna ride.  I'll ride on the prairie. Safe and pretty. Safer to my soul as well.

Bye.

OK, I'm gonna do it. Talk about it, I mean. Not "do it."

OK, so I see him tomorrow for my second session this week.  And I've decided I'm going to do it.  I'm going to tell him about how I feel.  I don't know why, it probably isn't necessary, but I'm doing it anyway.  I don't care.

Or I have too many reasons, and don't know which is the most motivating:

• This lust is driving me crazy.
• When I left last time I wanted to go and drink, I was sooooooo keyed up.
• Maybe he'll sleep with me :)
• Maybe he'll drop me so he can date me and sleep with me later.
• It'll be fun to talk about- It'll be the closest I'll ever come to doing it with him.
• Yeah, that's def part of it, it'll be tantalizing and sexual to talk about
• I can wear a skirt tomorrow and not look weird because of my cast.  Which gives easy access to showing him my cuts.  Which are on my very upper thigh.  Which then will give him a glimpse of my super hot new underwear I bought for the occasion.  This would be extremely trashy and gross to do, so I will not do it (probably).  But damn, it's good masturbatory fodder.

I wonder if he would get hot knowing I get hot about him.  Man do I get hot for him.  I hate it.  I'm sick of it.

I just want to date someone hot and have sex with them.  Now.

But unfortunately Dr. F is hot.  And smart.  And a smart-ass.  And educated.  And accomplished.  And arrogant.  And fucked up.  All the things that are attractive to me.  He even has diametrically opposed political views to me, which also gets me hot. UGH.  I hate this, I really do.

I think I've finally gotten the courage to do this because I have a therapist.  So I have her to go to tomorrow to talk about it.  So if F freaks and drops me or is mean to me or whatever, I have her to go to and lick my wounds.

OK, need to try to go back to sleep.  Gotta look rested and beautiful for tomorrow :)

PS  Have begun talking to hot chick on OKCupid.  Maybe I can get it on with her.  There are no hot guys on OKCupid.  They are all arrogant and gross.

So now about F

So F (my doctor that I want to fuck). I have called him twice in the last week for valid scheduling type issues, but feel like a total stalker. He's out of town and will now have two voicemails from me.

Maybe I am a stalker who's keeping it in check. I looked him up online to check out his professional stats (I swear), and his personal address and phone number came up. Did I mention this before?

Jesus F, get a clue. Make yourself unlisted. Now I have to force myself from driving by. I'm pretty sure I did mention this before, but I was fucking wasted at the time.

So yeah, Sunday night I wrote on Just Answer to Ralph, who has previously answered 2 of my questions about F. I told him I was cutting myself and freaking out, and all he told me to do was go to the hospital. No caring, nothing. Then two days later he had the admin people email me about paying him. Fucker. He does not want me to pay him, because then I can leave feedback, and it will be negative.

He helped a little with the F situation. Sheeit, I keep wanting to write his (my doctor's) real name by mistake. My bf has a lovely little nickname for him too, and that keeps popping into my head as well.

Got to be careful about that.

Still loving the F. Wanting to do the deed. Don't know what else to say. Trying to look hot for him, not eating much, working out and tanning (cream) like crazy. Want to be tan and fit for my man. Who is not my man and probably thinks I am a scary nutcase. And he's right.

Why can't I not think about him. Fuck my brain.

I don't like my bf.  Is that terrible?  I don't even know he's my bf, we've only been hanging a couple of weeks.  But I don't know what else to call him.  I really don't like him, but am continuing on with him because he is helping me get counseling somewhere else.

I scared the shit out of him on Monday.  I truly did not mean to, and feel very sorry about it. More about that later.

What a dumbass

BTW, dipshit F has his address published in the phonebook. What an idiot.

Now I am going to have to force myself to not drive by. Because I swear I'm not a stalker. But damn, I could be.

WTF is wrong with you, publishing your address? It's a middle class address. Guess you're not living too high on the hog. Could there possibly be more cliches in my posts?

F you F for being such a dumbass. Or not understanding boundaries, which we already know about you.

But F, you're hot. Your smirk, your stupid hair, your chubbiness after getting out of where you were. Even your stupid politics. We could have some angry sex over that.

Your politics (omitted). F, you sincerely are a dumbass.