AA? AA!!

So as I've mentioned, I'm on the white knuckle roller-coaster these past few days. Or for the past week. So today I figured if I wanted some company and didn't want to drink, then I should go to a meeting. The only reason I went was so that I could hang out with some people afterwords and get something to eat. So I went to the women's meeting at lambda.

The meeting blew- it was a speaker meeting and I didn't really groove with the speaker. She tried, but I just didn't connect with her. But we all went to a diner after and that was cool. Some woman sort of attached herself to me and kept talking about how important it was to talk to other people; that it doesn't come naturally and that she has to practice. It was very good advice. At first I thought maybe she was either hitting on me or trying to take me under her wing as a daughter figure, but then realized that she was just uncomfortable because she was shy and didn't know anyone either. It went well.

I met with Ethel today, and I didn't want to talk, so I talked about how my drug experiences felt. I'm not sure if it was a very profitable session. We got a bit into how I have no core, and that's why I won't attach to people. I may be able to fake people out for a while, but I don't want to have them be around for long because they will soon find out they are around a ghost. Or worse, a sucking, needy, puling black hole that could destroy them. Or at least make them very unhappy. I stay away from people so I won't hurt them, and so they won't be disappointed in me.

I'm sober right now even though I REALLY wanted to go to a bar tonight. I'm home in my PJ's, so if I don't leave then I'll stay sober until tomorrow. I guess that's good.

I want to ride my bike to IOP, but I'm afraid it's too far. That I'll get too tired. We'll see. I can't make a decision about it, there's some emotionality attached to it that I don't understand. I feel like if I don't ride then I'm a wimp and can't follow through on things. Sort of like my "job" problem of the last few days.

Whatevs. It's time to stop writing and watch Dorian Gray. Yay Colin Firth.

Holy moly, a movie can change your life.

Maybe not completely change your life. Or maybe so... "The Graduate" changed my life when I was a teenager.  And Paul Simon's "Negotiations and Love Songs" changed my life when I was a teenager as well.  Yes, I know that is an album, not a movie, but whatever.

So yeah.  I went to see A Single Man tonight, starring (my pretend husband) Colin Firth.  Bonus: Colin was playing a dapper, intelligent, and educated gay man.  Swoon.

Anyway, Colin's character lost his long-time partner and was planning on killing himself.  But he didn't.  I'm not going to go into the plot of the entire movie- but it moved me and made me feel a little better about being alive.

(I then went to see "The Book of Eli" and was not as moved.  Cheesy and formulaic. Cinematography was excellent, though.)

So, I'm still alive and (barring any mid-night tragedies) will be alive in the morning as well.  I am going to ride my bike to the beach and get some sun and exercise.  I am also going to write about what has been going on in my brain this week.  I want to write about my anger towards Cheryl and J.  I am really, really pissed that I was ignored and not cared for.  My feelings were really hurt.  It makes me not trust either of them very much right now.  Which really sucks, because I have to trust them to get better.  Or maybe I don't?  I don't know.  Can you not trust your therapists, hate their guts for being mean to you and still get better?  We'll see.

All I know is I'm going to lay it on the line.  I've had it with bullshit, lying and beating around the bush.  Which seems to be my theme for the past few months.  Hell, it's what got me sober and to the hospital.  If only it had gotten me a little more sane :-)

Like Pearl Jam, I am still Alive

I'm not sure why though. Maybe so I can still go to group on Monday and yell at Cheryl and J.  Thank you very much, I appreciate it.  Hah.

So I'm off to the movies.  Figured I can catch one more Colin Firth movie.  Just like me to be in love with a repressed British movie star.

There's an entire AA Clubhouse that's LGBT in Ft. Lauderdale.  You gotta love big cities.  Maybe I'll check it out.  Maybe I can get laid or something.  At least it'd be doing something life affirming, right?  Sex is life affirming, is it not?  Or I could go the Bill route and think it's scary and self-destructive.  Whatever.  I'm not sure who is right on this one.

"I'm having trouble saying what I mean
with dead poets and drum machines...
Nothing I write is ever good enough"
---Natasha Bedingfield  "These Words"

Cheesy song, but has some great lyrical bits.