Last fear

Th last time i knew fear was right here
Atanding on the lit up stage
Lit up myself full of slurring rage
After pounding pounding the anonymous paper page

I finally screamed my truth painful & proud
Finally ready, I thought, to live life out loud

Then i went an did it
i d i ded it
Red-pilled flight
High as a kite
Every.  Fucking.  Night.
Aggro psychotic rage, from stage to bar I fought screamed fight
Pounding on doorways that werent mine
To kill the goblins
to pry
The dirt from their child eating talons

To everyone else I was an unpleasant blight
On my red-pilled pyschotic kite ride
To myself I was Liam Neeson in Taken
Gigolo Jo in AI
Saving children
Please dont ask how or why
Unless you are ready to have lived my life
And all my deep friends, ran.
I continued on with no help in sight

So alone i finally said fuck it
My inner eve found the apple and plucked it
Red-pilled out, high as a kite
Late late at deadpool night
No friends no family
I finally realized
I was free
Free of judgement and judgmental ties tht bind
My truth my creativity

So so alone
Late late at deadpool night
Red-pilled out, high as a kite
I said lets do this
I started the public electronic pages
Entered the Facebook & Twitterverses
Shared my real identity, Lion rages
As an engineer artist with
Dissociative Identity Disorder
D. I. D
What is that?  Im not here right now to teach.
Right now Yr probably richer than me,
use your screens,
lazy.
Google is amazing
I have dissociative. Identity. Disorder.
Ah the freedom of no fear, of coming clean
Physicist freely walking into the unsafe time machine
Like--- to Dr Manhattan
Anomys to Alice In Mcaslan
Rip myself apart down to my neurons
Recollecting the girl my unnoticed brilliant little brother called
Brainiac from the planet smartron
You may have seen my blue ghost in Gainesvilles alleyways
As i was rebuilding a soul deformed by multiple shames

After plunging down the drug rabbithole on purpose
Loving and encouraging my psychosis
for 9 months this time
As a scientist i dont groove to coincidence
But for 9 months I survived the space in between
Just enough time to be reborn
Now something different,
now something all together more

Heyhey, all of me all of me all of me is spitting ready,
Better leave now, cow-ards if this is getting too heady

Because im a bitch im a bitch im a bitch and im back
STONE COLD SOBER AS A MATTER OF FACT
I was raised Upstairs, used the sneer, the cold frown
Then my minds wounds appeared and I learned to live down
At 15 I was at boarding school, on sailboats and yachts
Now in no-razor, no-shoelace mental health hospitals and detox

Yeah im a bitch...
And im back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I fucking put my backpack on and got me there myself
No help
You suppossed understanding bohemian artist fucks
You acted as narcisistic whelps
Preaching radical liberal compassion on the lit stage
Then when the crowds go down you run  from someone elses pain.

You trespassed me, put me in handcuffs
Now Im back: Ayla, Scout, & Ponyboy Tuff

Yeah Im a bitch im a bitch im a bitch
And Im back
And either way im Hitting your stage
Even if i have to push through the cracks
and even as you snort, swallow & blaze
I fucking stay
stone cold sober as a matter of fact

Easter Egg Hunts

My lyrics are a big bunch
of Easter Egg hunts
I am the White Rabbit
but I don't wear sexy sexist bunny ears
I don't attach and wiggle a cotton ball tail
Oh, no, I FIRESTART so hot you sweat tears
In mi profesore glasses
smart and such
Yeah, I'm McAslan looking at my watch
but I am not late,
Wizard McKellan exactly where and when I mean to be
I'm on time, I'm on rhyme
The female Gandalf on the beat.
Yep, period, yep, period, yep, period,
Yep.
Get it yet?
I'm hiding eggs

Red tents are where I hatch my schemes
And yeah I take it from all teams
But no little brood here, I am latex clean
Born a chick but not Chicken Little.
The sky is not falling, I AM
molting and molten
A gender fluid Phoenix Peacock
I am John, Jane and Sherlock

Blue and pink turnt to wow
Grrl to boi to "who the fuck now?"
Yeah, that's one way to get reknown
Throwing shade as I pass out
Face plant, grass stained frown

But I
Get Up
Get on Up
Get Up
Get on Up
Learnt from my go-go mother
Dancing me on her hip
Putting baby down to James Brown

Yep I've lost, I've slid, I've slipped
But, I I I LIVED
I've met and defeated IT, Derry's King Clown
Hashtag: Put a pounding down
Rotting lying sewer scum is where my genes come from
Cut family off, listen to the silence hum

Hunting seasons begun for a reason
Rapunzel has shaved, is clueless but clear
What to do? No fear.
Look for meaning among our roots, my dear...

That's one way to lose these walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of my shoes
by listening to Paul Simon's cues
I got my "physics voice" wailin'
Learnt from Ellie Arroway via Carl Sagan
Got my pride jumpstarted by riotgrrls who took no shit
Ani, Tracy, Dolly, Sinead
Bitch I'm Madonna to Hedwig

Moshing with the good old boys
Split My Lip
Headlining now
I bleed while I spit
Mic bloody, Write Bloody
Music, Fiction, Physics and Poetry,
you saved me.
I Am A Rock, you can't hurt me
But now an island lonely

So put a mic on me
Im ailin, im illin,
I need Contact
I'm not fuckin chillin
I am alone to my bones
Needing some rabble rouser voices
To help me get home.

I am a boi Queen, a grrl King
Screaming my bling
Flinging my family's priceless mings
The FIRESTARTER
So much heat I got my whole life to rise up upon
On the soles of my shoes di i i iamonds
Phoenix use the currents from the blaze to
Fly away
Like the waves you see on the black highway
Undulating and unclear?
No dear
Hot and clearing
Searing
A spicy brew of Truth
Drink that tea
To heal and
Come
home

What home?
My bro and yo never had a home
If home means safety
If home means hugs
If home means body
If home means trust
We never had a home.

Fuck this sipping quietly,
I am Spilling this damn Tea
So Sorry, But not really
How u like easter now?
That tea is hitting, pow
Better hit up Tre Melvin
See if he needs a grip or somethin
Bee Cuz, Cuz, u gotta get one,
A Grip
You are a motherless child
Your whole life- Jason Bourne
All you ever were shown was hatred and porn
You have had to teach yourself love
Your Self love
Your Self live

Love Your Self
Live Your Selves

Te quiero? No
Me quiero. Now.
Ahora, mi chica
Not later
For later you will be dead
For realz,
not just in the head or in the feelz
Suicide is painless, but getting there is torture
And each day you climb steadily, deadily Closer to Mordor
Throw the Precious Gilbert Vampire Ring,
the false-face bling
into Mount Doom
Don't throw you!

Singing Samwise BoiGrrl King!
As a child
you outshone The Shining!
Now lets live and sequel that bitch
Get to writing!

Princeling

Just because we are both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
You need to back the hell off today
Pay attention to my body seethe, please
Hear
my
Clear
verbal
no.
See my hand outstretched for a handshake.

I will not capitulate
When you state
"But we hug in NA"
Ah, hell no.
Especially if my body you can't respect.
You're acting like you're not grown.
Not a man
yet
not a king
yet

I can tell just by quietly observing
They way you've been behaving
Little Princeling
Walking in the rooms late and loud
Slapping hands with yr boys
Disturbingly proud
before finally sitting down
Legs splayed out
Hat cocked back,
eyes scanning the crowd
For folx to 13th step with, newbies to plow.

*Oh, a Footnote for the confused
You've heard of the 12 Steps, right?
A life and death fight
for sobriety for those who choose?
A quest for life through spiritual health.
Meaning not god exactly
(yeah, ah hell no!)
Oh, sorry, I meant to say god is not for me
Instead I use
willingness, honesty & integrity,
just to name a few

So, well, 13th stepping is when
NOT grown men & women
Do the opposite of sobriety zen
Instead of growing and and letting going
They use the rooms to 'hit that'
Chopping struggling saplings with an ax
Preying on fresh meat
Jackels stalking wounded gazelles
Taking two sobriety's down in one fell
Swoop

So just because we're both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
Put your arms down and away
I shake hands when we meet
No hugs here until I CHOOSE.
Until you just say "Hi" and
look straight into my eyes,
thinking of ME, not YOU.
Until you quit interjecting
and start respecting
That hugs are two way street
and you have swerved over the double yellow lines
Brother mine.
Now you are going the wrong way down my side.

I dont know you
You arent touching me
yet
Just because we're both in NA doesnt give you permission
I am on a mission to save my life.
And your fervent man-boy pheremones aren't what's gonna keep me clean tonight

I want to hear your thoughts
The real feelz
Deep down
Brave and spoken OUT LOUD
in a meeting
I want to hear you read a reading
Not just speeding through
I want to see you seeing instead of looking
Instead of preening
Why can't you see I am a Yew tree?
I cant hug
yet
But I am strong, just check
Lean your Heart against my Bark, just not your arms
Yet
I will touch when I trust
But I listen always
I will stick and stay
I will never look away
I can help staunch your bleed,
Eye to eye to infinity

Because I, this man-woman child
has some bleed of her own
Ax chops in childhood
until my sap was almost all gone
And I need personal space
To explore on
Wild hiking boots soled with diamonds
On the journey to reclaim my baby BoiGrrl
Still alive somehow inside my flames
I am Daenarys Stormborn and Grey Worm combined
And I am out to win my life
Win the Full Grown Genderfluid Titanium Throne

So, go my princeling, my budding King
Please stop scamming on newbies
Daydreaming through meetings
Go my brother, my sweet talking kin
Growing slowly into your adult skin
Go my princeling, go
and I know
You also
will find, create and
Win
your own
throne.