I am not sure if my personal space is getting larger, or if I am just more in touch with my boundaries, but I am one raw nerve lately. Anyone I don't know can't get near me without my hackles going up and my claws coming out. I need a good 10 feet at all times. If someone walks by me too closely I bristle.
I had to leave yoga yesterday because an old, gross, wheezy white man with gray hair put his mat TOO FUCKING CLOSE TO ME. A class full of only women and this guy, and he puts his fucking mat next to mine about 2 feet too closely (even for normal spacing). I became infuriated and anxiety ridden and could not concentrate. I could feel his miasma crawling all over me as I was trying to breathe and do the poses. It was more than I could bear so I left. I knew I wasn't in control enough to be polite and ask him to move. I was furious and wanted to strike out. So I very quietly rolled up my mat, got my things and left in the middle of the class. Ready to kill.
I got into the car and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed out my rage and frustration. It sort of helped. But I was still super-touchy and irritable for most of the night. I am again right now just thinking about it. My feelings, although not normal are: HOW DARE HE GET SO CLOSE TO ME. BACK UP RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER OR I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT. BACK THE FUCK UP, YOU ASSHOLE, RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T EVEN BREATHE IN MY DIRECTION. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN. YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOU FOR COMING NEAR ME. YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BE NEAR ME, YOU ARE DELIBERATELY VIOLATING ME AND I WILL KILL YOU.
OK, I actually feel better now. Obviously this is not about the poor guy in my yoga class. And this is why I need to be at program, but they won't let me back. FUCK THEM TOO.
OK, time to chill out and go back to the zen place. Whoooo.
I had to leave yoga yesterday because an old, gross, wheezy white man with gray hair put his mat TOO FUCKING CLOSE TO ME. A class full of only women and this guy, and he puts his fucking mat next to mine about 2 feet too closely (even for normal spacing). I became infuriated and anxiety ridden and could not concentrate. I could feel his miasma crawling all over me as I was trying to breathe and do the poses. It was more than I could bear so I left. I knew I wasn't in control enough to be polite and ask him to move. I was furious and wanted to strike out. So I very quietly rolled up my mat, got my things and left in the middle of the class. Ready to kill.
I got into the car and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed out my rage and frustration. It sort of helped. But I was still super-touchy and irritable for most of the night. I am again right now just thinking about it. My feelings, although not normal are: HOW DARE HE GET SO CLOSE TO ME. BACK UP RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER OR I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT. BACK THE FUCK UP, YOU ASSHOLE, RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T EVEN BREATHE IN MY DIRECTION. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN. YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOU FOR COMING NEAR ME. YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BE NEAR ME, YOU ARE DELIBERATELY VIOLATING ME AND I WILL KILL YOU.
OK, I actually feel better now. Obviously this is not about the poor guy in my yoga class. And this is why I need to be at program, but they won't let me back. FUCK THEM TOO.
OK, time to chill out and go back to the zen place. Whoooo.
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