I went to my 3:30 meeting today. I love that meeting. Vaughn called me last night and left me a message saying that he had tracked down my number because he was worried about me. It was wonderful to be so cared for. Karen also called. I am drowning in concern. Which is probably well-founded concern. As I was a fucking mess on Tuesday when I was there last. I started crying in the freaking meeting. Said that I had been thinking about hurting myself. All because fucking jerk off, daughters of bitches program won't let me back, and were rude, shaming and insulting about it. It makes me so hurt and angry to think about it, and I don't mind being angry, but I HATE being hurt. I am invulnerable, tough, and I don't get hurt by the likes of the losers at program. I don't want to be weak. I HATE being weak. I hate asking for something and being told no. I hate being rejected when I shouldn't even care anyway. They have all the power and wield it it seems without giving a shit about whom they hurt. THEY SUCK. Lara sucks, Malin sucks, the other one sucks, they all fucking suck.
So what else is new... I'm still walking pretty much every day. I walked 1.5 hours today. I love walking in the sunshine and stretching in the sunshine and sweating in the sunshine. I love the trees, and the sound of the ocean and all the people walking along the boardwalk. I love humanity, although individual humans bother me most of the time.
I can't seem to get a handle on my time during the day. It just slips away and I haven't done anything I want to do. I haven't called yet about Medicare D, I haven't done my laundry, I haven't cleaned up my papers. And I definitely haven't been writing. I want to write. Fiction. I want to write fiction, but I don't seem to do it. I have to set aside the time and just do it. First is to set aside the time. I think the best time would be in the morning, before my walk? I think so, I'd like to try it. I think I am having no time because I am getting up so late. If I got up early in the morning, I believe I would get more done. Because I always sort of think of the evening/night time as time to relax. So I wake up at noon, walk, go to the 3:30 meeting, call Carol and hang out all night, never getting any of my chores done.
Well tomorrow I'll be getting up early because I am going to see Gus about the half-way house. I'm going to check it out and see if it's something I want to live in. I really hope that the chairs I saw through the window are not how he's furnishing it. Because I want a real living room with couches, etc. Not a cold room full of doctor's office waiting room chairs. It's a deal breaker. We need to make a home. Where we feel safe and comfortable.
I started writing a fairy tale about my childhood and I really like it. I just have to get back to it. Or maybe I shouldn't until I'm back in therapy. What do I want to write about? Caz told me last night that Asimov said that once you have a situation you like, think of the person who would most be effected by that situation and make the story about them. Good advice. Stephen King said to set aside time every day and just write. He also said to read as much as you possibly can, and I already do that. So now I just have to set aside time. I am going to set aside an hour. Just an hour at first. I've never done this before and I have to be kind and easy with myself. Usually I just jump in and burn myself out. So if an hour turns out to be too much, I'll do a half hour. Because the point is to do it daily, not kill myself.
Have I mentioned how fucked up I am about program rejecting me? It comes in waves (of pain and nausea) I almost wound up in the hospital about it, but instead I asked Carol to spend the night with me. It worked. But I still hate them right now. How dare they be so careless with my feelings! FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I'm going to go to bed thinking about something positive, because I won't be able to sleep otherwise. I am going to think about how excited I am to walk tomorrow. And to write for an hour. I am really excited about that. I am going to think about how I have found a solution in AA, that I have found people who care, and if I reach out, I can have support and friendship. I really like Vaughn. And Karen. And Ray when she's in town. I am going to think about how I am unstoppable, and incredibly talented and fun. And that I am better than all the negative shit around me. I am clean and pure and light, and I rise above the dark, the evil. I have done it, I am better than it, I have bested the demon at it's own game. We are wonderful, pure, beautiful and perfect the way we are!
So what else is new... I'm still walking pretty much every day. I walked 1.5 hours today. I love walking in the sunshine and stretching in the sunshine and sweating in the sunshine. I love the trees, and the sound of the ocean and all the people walking along the boardwalk. I love humanity, although individual humans bother me most of the time.
I can't seem to get a handle on my time during the day. It just slips away and I haven't done anything I want to do. I haven't called yet about Medicare D, I haven't done my laundry, I haven't cleaned up my papers. And I definitely haven't been writing. I want to write. Fiction. I want to write fiction, but I don't seem to do it. I have to set aside the time and just do it. First is to set aside the time. I think the best time would be in the morning, before my walk? I think so, I'd like to try it. I think I am having no time because I am getting up so late. If I got up early in the morning, I believe I would get more done. Because I always sort of think of the evening/night time as time to relax. So I wake up at noon, walk, go to the 3:30 meeting, call Carol and hang out all night, never getting any of my chores done.
Well tomorrow I'll be getting up early because I am going to see Gus about the half-way house. I'm going to check it out and see if it's something I want to live in. I really hope that the chairs I saw through the window are not how he's furnishing it. Because I want a real living room with couches, etc. Not a cold room full of doctor's office waiting room chairs. It's a deal breaker. We need to make a home. Where we feel safe and comfortable.
I started writing a fairy tale about my childhood and I really like it. I just have to get back to it. Or maybe I shouldn't until I'm back in therapy. What do I want to write about? Caz told me last night that Asimov said that once you have a situation you like, think of the person who would most be effected by that situation and make the story about them. Good advice. Stephen King said to set aside time every day and just write. He also said to read as much as you possibly can, and I already do that. So now I just have to set aside time. I am going to set aside an hour. Just an hour at first. I've never done this before and I have to be kind and easy with myself. Usually I just jump in and burn myself out. So if an hour turns out to be too much, I'll do a half hour. Because the point is to do it daily, not kill myself.
Have I mentioned how fucked up I am about program rejecting me? It comes in waves (of pain and nausea) I almost wound up in the hospital about it, but instead I asked Carol to spend the night with me. It worked. But I still hate them right now. How dare they be so careless with my feelings! FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I'm going to go to bed thinking about something positive, because I won't be able to sleep otherwise. I am going to think about how excited I am to walk tomorrow. And to write for an hour. I am really excited about that. I am going to think about how I have found a solution in AA, that I have found people who care, and if I reach out, I can have support and friendship. I really like Vaughn. And Karen. And Ray when she's in town. I am going to think about how I am unstoppable, and incredibly talented and fun. And that I am better than all the negative shit around me. I am clean and pure and light, and I rise above the dark, the evil. I have done it, I am better than it, I have bested the demon at it's own game. We are wonderful, pure, beautiful and perfect the way we are!
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