Goddamn It, I talked to F Again

And it went great.  As in not.  Not good at all.  OK, let's clarify.

For the past few weeks I have been doing anything I can to distract myself.  I'm not sure what I am distracting myself from, but I know that I have been doing dipshit stuff.  I wanted to start working as a body rub girl, jerking guys off for money.  I somehow stopped myself from doing that, even though the option is not totally erased from my mind.

Next, I relapsed on DXM (Rob, as Lara likes to call it).  I did that three times, for about a week. I was honest about it in group, and decided to stop.  But everyday I think about it and want to do it.  If I could do group and DXM, I'd be popping pills right now. 

Now most recently, I have started thinking about F again.  Yes, the F that I was so infatuated with last year.  I haven't really thought of him for months, but now the feelings started right back up again.  The same burning in my chest, the unbearable restlessness and the feeling of I have to do something NOW.  And of course, what I want to do NOW is talk to F.  And start up the whole damn thing over again.  Fuck.

I told Lara I wanted to call him and her unequivocal response was "NO".  She suggested I talk to the group about it, so I did for the last few minutes on Tuesday.  I could feel myself acting like a nutcase- giddy, grinning and acting like a teenager.  It's like an electric shock through my system, the feeling when I think about him.  It's fun and definitely like a drug.  Everyone in group ALSO thought it was a crap idea to call him.

So, guess what I did in the car as I left group?  I called him.  I left a voicemail message saying I had a question for him and left my number.  The office secretary said he works at that office only on Mon and Weds, so I didn't expect to hear from him that day.

On Weds I kept my phone on me all day, even leaving it on in group in case he called.  I was not going to miss his call.  He didn't call by about 3pm, so I left another message on his voicemail, saying I was hoping to talk to him about a letter and getting some records.  Total bullshit, but a valid reason as I still need to medically petition for my money back for my last semester.  I wish I hadn't left the second message giving a "real" reason to talk to me.  I wanted to see if he'd call me just to talk to me, but I messed that up by putting a valid business reason for the call.  Oh well.

So guess what!  He called me.  Which is pretty amazing, as he never called me back in a timely manner last year.  It was always like three days later.  Maybe he's got his shit together more this year.  So he called at about 5pm.  I almost don't want to go into what we talked about.  I don't want to get it wrong, and I don't want to put the work into getting it right.