So it's 11:16 pm and I've made it through another day. I am truly impressed with myself. I didn't think I was going to make it. I thought I maybe should go to the hospital around 11 am, but was too depressed to get out of bed. So I just slept through the truly horrible feelings, and was able to get up to go to my 3:30 meeting. Wow.
If I had told myself this early this morning, I would have told myself to go fuck myself. I hated talking to Dr S today. I wanted to love it, I was bursting at the seams when I saw she called and I couldn't wait to call her back. But she talked to me like a robot, giving me no warmth, nothing. I hate her for that. Why is it so hard for anyone at program to be kind to me? She told Carol later that she had a positive conversation with me. HAH. I almost cut over that convo, Dr S, so not so positive. I just wanted to know that she was still there for me, still rooting for me, was still on my side. She gave me pablum. She gave me "I hear you have negative thoughts right now" She gave me "I believe you want to come back and work". Ummm, DUH. Thank you, but I already knew all that. I wanted to know you still cared about me. And you wouldn't be warm or kind or anything. I could have gotten more warmth from a fortune cookie fortune. And at least then I would have at least gotten to eat a cookie.
I went over to look at Gus's halfway house today. Carol loved it, but I felt it was very small, very congested, and I'm not sure how I would fit there. With 6 women in it, it would be close to impossible for me I think. But it seems like the healthy thing to do. AAAAAARGH. This personal space thing is not bullshit. Why can't I find a place that understands that? If I could have a room, even a tiny one, to myself, then I think I would be OK. Sharing with Carol might be as close as I get to that.
I'm getting tired, thank god. I'm going to a zen meditation conference with S tomorrow, and I'm a little scared about it, but I'm also a little excited. I am going to walk tomorrow morning. And maybe get my boxes ready to send back to Amazon. They have taken over my dining room table :)
I walked down to the water a few minutes ago, and it was beautiful. The air is cool, almost cold, the moon is full and there are whisps of clouds. Orion was bright. The water was much warmer than the cold sand and it felt like coming home. I love it here. I love the ocean at night. I love the trees at night. The air at night. I love it all.
I talked about radical acceptance in the AA group today, and N really liked it. She thought it came from the Big Book, and I was amused. It's from DBT. But AA's "higher power" and "faith in something greater than yourself" feels like DBT's radical acceptance to me. This insane optimism that they espouse- this idea that you are exactly where you need to be and that the answers will come to you and that the universe is looking out for you- has seemed like bullshit to me for so long. But as I think about it, I don't need to believe in god, or have faith. I just need to know that having this optimism works. It works if I think I am going to come out OK no matter what. I don't have to believe there is some divine hand at work, which is good, because i don't and never will. But I can understand that by scientific empirical methods it has been proven that being radically accepting and optimistic makes you feel better. And that is enough truth for me. Plus it just feels right. It feels like the best way to be a human being. And it feels like coming home.
If I had told myself this early this morning, I would have told myself to go fuck myself. I hated talking to Dr S today. I wanted to love it, I was bursting at the seams when I saw she called and I couldn't wait to call her back. But she talked to me like a robot, giving me no warmth, nothing. I hate her for that. Why is it so hard for anyone at program to be kind to me? She told Carol later that she had a positive conversation with me. HAH. I almost cut over that convo, Dr S, so not so positive. I just wanted to know that she was still there for me, still rooting for me, was still on my side. She gave me pablum. She gave me "I hear you have negative thoughts right now" She gave me "I believe you want to come back and work". Ummm, DUH. Thank you, but I already knew all that. I wanted to know you still cared about me. And you wouldn't be warm or kind or anything. I could have gotten more warmth from a fortune cookie fortune. And at least then I would have at least gotten to eat a cookie.
I went over to look at Gus's halfway house today. Carol loved it, but I felt it was very small, very congested, and I'm not sure how I would fit there. With 6 women in it, it would be close to impossible for me I think. But it seems like the healthy thing to do. AAAAAARGH. This personal space thing is not bullshit. Why can't I find a place that understands that? If I could have a room, even a tiny one, to myself, then I think I would be OK. Sharing with Carol might be as close as I get to that.
I'm getting tired, thank god. I'm going to a zen meditation conference with S tomorrow, and I'm a little scared about it, but I'm also a little excited. I am going to walk tomorrow morning. And maybe get my boxes ready to send back to Amazon. They have taken over my dining room table :)
I walked down to the water a few minutes ago, and it was beautiful. The air is cool, almost cold, the moon is full and there are whisps of clouds. Orion was bright. The water was much warmer than the cold sand and it felt like coming home. I love it here. I love the ocean at night. I love the trees at night. The air at night. I love it all.
I talked about radical acceptance in the AA group today, and N really liked it. She thought it came from the Big Book, and I was amused. It's from DBT. But AA's "higher power" and "faith in something greater than yourself" feels like DBT's radical acceptance to me. This insane optimism that they espouse- this idea that you are exactly where you need to be and that the answers will come to you and that the universe is looking out for you- has seemed like bullshit to me for so long. But as I think about it, I don't need to believe in god, or have faith. I just need to know that having this optimism works. It works if I think I am going to come out OK no matter what. I don't have to believe there is some divine hand at work, which is good, because i don't and never will. But I can understand that by scientific empirical methods it has been proven that being radically accepting and optimistic makes you feel better. And that is enough truth for me. Plus it just feels right. It feels like the best way to be a human being. And it feels like coming home.
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