Fucking fuck. I don't wanna do the work, but i do wanna do the work, but fuck. OK, we gotta do the work. we gotta write the poems. we've gotta go for the walks. we gotta fucking do the fucking yoga. we gotta fucking meditate. fucking meditate. fuck. we don't wanna. we wanna do drugs and get high in the sky and teach beautiful theoretical math and fuck the world. and eat what sugar crap. but we gotta fucking drag ourselves outta this. we gotta. we gotta.
We have to do the work. It's on now, I guess. It's on. We are high right now, but I guess it has to stop. Eventually? (With a Chesire grin?) Fuck. Drug Problem.
Drug Problem.
We love the way we feel so much on DXM that we do not want to give it up. It almost feels like a "gimme" quick cut pull away to me kind of thing. My precious. It's MINE, AND I LOVE IT AND FUCK OFF. fuck.
And we gotta focus on what the problem is, and actually the problem is not DXM. The problem is that you are healing from a childhood of SEVERE abuse and mind-fucking and sex abuse and hurt. And your mother is a very sick person who is not going to be able to go on this journey with you. And your brother may not be able to go on this journey with you. He has come a fucking long way, and he may find a way to be happy, but you can't do it for him I ABSOLUTELY will help him any way that I can, but I can't control his path. It would be grotesque to do so. You are alone. You are going to make it. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop numbing reality. You have to feel the freakiness in real time, not drug time. You have to feel weird while you are sober. You have to feel dissociative and wonky while you are sober. While you are not chemically affected. It is OK. It is safe to be dissociative and wonky and sober. You will not let go and become fully crazy all the time. You can control it. It is actually beautiful. And you can do it. But although the drug is beautiful and it helps, it hurts you, it is a chemical not meant for your body, it is probably hurting your liver, it is probably hurting your heart muscle, it definitely hurts you ability to have mental perspective and clarity. Yes, it helps you feel and get to the truth. It does. I absolutely will not dispute that. It does fucking WORK. But it can't be a lifestyle. And you want it to be a lifestyle. I do. I want it to be a lifestyle of wonkiness and gut intuition and truth and weirdness and calm and beauty and truth. I am so scared to do it.
You have to fucking live out loud. Yeah, that movie. Cheesy, fuck yeah, but correct. Live Fucking Out Loud. You have to. You can't keep going doing this drug thing. I mean, you can. You seem to be handling work, money, therapy and drugs sorta well right now. You can do it. You just have to decide is that the life you want?
I've been watching Weeds. Probably a bad idea. but someone on it said he did all this terrible stuff, just to see if he could get away with it. And that is sort of how I feel about the DXM. Like, holy shit, I am dissociated to the fucking moon, high on chemicals and totally living my life. And it's working just fine. The only chinks are literally my own truthfulness. If I didn't go to therapy, if I didn't have a true relationship with my friends, I would be fine! It's sort of gross. I could live like this forever. I'm the one who keeps telling my fucking therapist I'm using drugs. If I didn't go to therapy there would be no problem. But I keep fucking going to therapy. I feel like I need it.
BECAUSE I DO FUCKING NEED IT. I need to tell my truth and be heard and loved and that is fucking therapy. OK, I feel like I gotta stop because now I want to defend DXM forever. OK. Stop.
We have to do the work. It's on now, I guess. It's on. We are high right now, but I guess it has to stop. Eventually? (With a Chesire grin?) Fuck. Drug Problem.
Drug Problem.
We love the way we feel so much on DXM that we do not want to give it up. It almost feels like a "gimme" quick cut pull away to me kind of thing. My precious. It's MINE, AND I LOVE IT AND FUCK OFF. fuck.
And we gotta focus on what the problem is, and actually the problem is not DXM. The problem is that you are healing from a childhood of SEVERE abuse and mind-fucking and sex abuse and hurt. And your mother is a very sick person who is not going to be able to go on this journey with you. And your brother may not be able to go on this journey with you. He has come a fucking long way, and he may find a way to be happy, but you can't do it for him I ABSOLUTELY will help him any way that I can, but I can't control his path. It would be grotesque to do so. You are alone. You are going to make it. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop doing drugs. You have to stop numbing reality. You have to feel the freakiness in real time, not drug time. You have to feel weird while you are sober. You have to feel dissociative and wonky while you are sober. While you are not chemically affected. It is OK. It is safe to be dissociative and wonky and sober. You will not let go and become fully crazy all the time. You can control it. It is actually beautiful. And you can do it. But although the drug is beautiful and it helps, it hurts you, it is a chemical not meant for your body, it is probably hurting your liver, it is probably hurting your heart muscle, it definitely hurts you ability to have mental perspective and clarity. Yes, it helps you feel and get to the truth. It does. I absolutely will not dispute that. It does fucking WORK. But it can't be a lifestyle. And you want it to be a lifestyle. I do. I want it to be a lifestyle of wonkiness and gut intuition and truth and weirdness and calm and beauty and truth. I am so scared to do it.
You have to fucking live out loud. Yeah, that movie. Cheesy, fuck yeah, but correct. Live Fucking Out Loud. You have to. You can't keep going doing this drug thing. I mean, you can. You seem to be handling work, money, therapy and drugs sorta well right now. You can do it. You just have to decide is that the life you want?
I've been watching Weeds. Probably a bad idea. but someone on it said he did all this terrible stuff, just to see if he could get away with it. And that is sort of how I feel about the DXM. Like, holy shit, I am dissociated to the fucking moon, high on chemicals and totally living my life. And it's working just fine. The only chinks are literally my own truthfulness. If I didn't go to therapy, if I didn't have a true relationship with my friends, I would be fine! It's sort of gross. I could live like this forever. I'm the one who keeps telling my fucking therapist I'm using drugs. If I didn't go to therapy there would be no problem. But I keep fucking going to therapy. I feel like I need it.
BECAUSE I DO FUCKING NEED IT. I need to tell my truth and be heard and loved and that is fucking therapy. OK, I feel like I gotta stop because now I want to defend DXM forever. OK. Stop.
No comments:
Post a Comment