OK so I'm back again, writing. I found my old LiveJournal from when I lived in Otown, and was so happy I had a window into my life back then. So, I want to have a window into this time of my life too. Thus the writing.
I am not sure when (or ever) I'll be done with going to group. I have not been there for about 6 weeks ? I think, but I'm probably going to start back up this week. I'm meeting with Lara about it manana 9:30 AM. It was really nice to hear from her on Friday. She called me to set up the meeting, and I told her how I felt- pissed off (when am I not?) and feeling extremely judged. She told me I wasn't being judged, and that other people have had to write proposals to come back to group. It made me feel better. Also, she said she was invested in me :)
She's going to be gone from group for the next coupla weeks, so if I go back I will have my most recent (and recently loved) therapist in group as she will be taking over while Lara's on vaca. Hmm, what to call this therapist? How about: Sharon. OK. So anyway I've been with Sharon since May and love her. She is a great therapist, plus I got some raging transference going with her. But THIS time I have a therapist who knows how to handle it. She has talked with me hours about it, and the transference is going away. I really respect and like her still though. And if she weren't my therapist, and in a relationship, I would probably still want to date her. Although she is a bit too much of a rule follower for my taste.
So I am lying around the house, avoiding leaving. I know that if I continue to do this it will lead to depression, so I am going to go for my walk as soon as I'm done with this.
Oh yes, for the past two weeks I have been trying to change my lifestyle around so that I will want to live. I have been walking almost daily and doing yoga 3 times a week. But I got tired the past few days and have not gone to yoga. But that's OK. I will go back. Courage is getting up in the morning and saying "I'll try again." That's a bastardization of a quote I love.
Two weeks ago I overdosed on DXM and a bunch of things happened at once. I incorporated myself if that's possible. I convulsed for hours because of the memories I was having and probably from the DXM too. But I've convulsed before completely sober, so I know it was because of the memories. I wrote them all down as well as recorded them on my phone. I then had a psychotic break and it was not fun. I drove my car high. I got my passport and drove to the airport and was going to fly to Colombia. It is a loooooooooong story, but my brain just sort of short-circuited and it was not good.
But in all it was a wonderful experience. Some might say a spiritual experience. I learned that I loved myself. That I can live. That some truly awful stuff happened to me. And that it hurt me, but I'm getting better. It was wonderful.
And so this past two weeks has been living up to the health and love I felt that night. So I'm taking care of myself- eating more healthily, stopped eating meat (because I find it morally repugnant but never respected my own thoughts enough to do anything about it, but now I do respect myself), started walking for 2 hours daily and started the yoga. Plus going to meetings 5 times a week. The yoga is very hard by the way. I think I am intimidated and discouraged by how hard it is and how beginner I am. Just writing this down makes me feel better about it though. I am on my path, and right now I'm a beginner and that's why it's hard. The teacher even said I was doing well. So there, other teacher who kept telling me I had to push myself! As if I have EVER been easy on myself. The problem for me is not going to be pushing myself, it is to stay kind to myself. So it is OK I've taken a break for the past few days, and it is OK if I go back!
Speaking of taking care of myself, it's time to go for the walk. I'm excited! I'm excited to see Lara tomorrow, I've missed her. I want to get better. I have no idea what that looks like. I have no idea what my healthy life will be. I don't know what I want to do for a living. Nothing. But that's good, and I won't let anyone, be it my mother or the head of IOP guilt me into feeling otherwise. It is OK if I'm not on the fast track to success. I am allowed to just be.
I am not sure when (or ever) I'll be done with going to group. I have not been there for about 6 weeks ? I think, but I'm probably going to start back up this week. I'm meeting with Lara about it manana 9:30 AM. It was really nice to hear from her on Friday. She called me to set up the meeting, and I told her how I felt- pissed off (when am I not?) and feeling extremely judged. She told me I wasn't being judged, and that other people have had to write proposals to come back to group. It made me feel better. Also, she said she was invested in me :)
She's going to be gone from group for the next coupla weeks, so if I go back I will have my most recent (and recently loved) therapist in group as she will be taking over while Lara's on vaca. Hmm, what to call this therapist? How about: Sharon. OK. So anyway I've been with Sharon since May and love her. She is a great therapist, plus I got some raging transference going with her. But THIS time I have a therapist who knows how to handle it. She has talked with me hours about it, and the transference is going away. I really respect and like her still though. And if she weren't my therapist, and in a relationship, I would probably still want to date her. Although she is a bit too much of a rule follower for my taste.
So I am lying around the house, avoiding leaving. I know that if I continue to do this it will lead to depression, so I am going to go for my walk as soon as I'm done with this.
Oh yes, for the past two weeks I have been trying to change my lifestyle around so that I will want to live. I have been walking almost daily and doing yoga 3 times a week. But I got tired the past few days and have not gone to yoga. But that's OK. I will go back. Courage is getting up in the morning and saying "I'll try again." That's a bastardization of a quote I love.
Two weeks ago I overdosed on DXM and a bunch of things happened at once. I incorporated myself if that's possible. I convulsed for hours because of the memories I was having and probably from the DXM too. But I've convulsed before completely sober, so I know it was because of the memories. I wrote them all down as well as recorded them on my phone. I then had a psychotic break and it was not fun. I drove my car high. I got my passport and drove to the airport and was going to fly to Colombia. It is a loooooooooong story, but my brain just sort of short-circuited and it was not good.
But in all it was a wonderful experience. Some might say a spiritual experience. I learned that I loved myself. That I can live. That some truly awful stuff happened to me. And that it hurt me, but I'm getting better. It was wonderful.
And so this past two weeks has been living up to the health and love I felt that night. So I'm taking care of myself- eating more healthily, stopped eating meat (because I find it morally repugnant but never respected my own thoughts enough to do anything about it, but now I do respect myself), started walking for 2 hours daily and started the yoga. Plus going to meetings 5 times a week. The yoga is very hard by the way. I think I am intimidated and discouraged by how hard it is and how beginner I am. Just writing this down makes me feel better about it though. I am on my path, and right now I'm a beginner and that's why it's hard. The teacher even said I was doing well. So there, other teacher who kept telling me I had to push myself! As if I have EVER been easy on myself. The problem for me is not going to be pushing myself, it is to stay kind to myself. So it is OK I've taken a break for the past few days, and it is OK if I go back!
Speaking of taking care of myself, it's time to go for the walk. I'm excited! I'm excited to see Lara tomorrow, I've missed her. I want to get better. I have no idea what that looks like. I have no idea what my healthy life will be. I don't know what I want to do for a living. Nothing. But that's good, and I won't let anyone, be it my mother or the head of IOP guilt me into feeling otherwise. It is OK if I'm not on the fast track to success. I am allowed to just be.
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