Sick

One good thing about being stuck in bed sick is that I finally am going to finish Mad Men....  didn't want to... so good.... keep it going.... opposite of instant gratification? What is that?

Last fear

Th last time i knew fear was right here
Atanding on the lit up stage
Lit up myself full of slurring rage
After pounding pounding the anonymous paper page

I finally screamed my truth painful & proud
Finally ready, I thought, to live life out loud

Then i went an did it
i d i ded it
Red-pilled flight
High as a kite
Every.  Fucking.  Night.
Aggro psychotic rage, from stage to bar I fought screamed fight
Pounding on doorways that werent mine
To kill the goblins
to pry
The dirt from their child eating talons

To everyone else I was an unpleasant blight
On my red-pilled pyschotic kite ride
To myself I was Liam Neeson in Taken
Gigolo Jo in AI
Saving children
Please dont ask how or why
Unless you are ready to have lived my life
And all my deep friends, ran.
I continued on with no help in sight

So alone i finally said fuck it
My inner eve found the apple and plucked it
Red-pilled out, high as a kite
Late late at deadpool night
No friends no family
I finally realized
I was free
Free of judgement and judgmental ties tht bind
My truth my creativity

So so alone
Late late at deadpool night
Red-pilled out, high as a kite
I said lets do this
I started the public electronic pages
Entered the Facebook & Twitterverses
Shared my real identity, Lion rages
As an engineer artist with
Dissociative Identity Disorder
D. I. D
What is that?  Im not here right now to teach.
Right now Yr probably richer than me,
use your screens,
lazy.
Google is amazing
I have dissociative. Identity. Disorder.
Ah the freedom of no fear, of coming clean
Physicist freely walking into the unsafe time machine
Like--- to Dr Manhattan
Anomys to Alice In Mcaslan
Rip myself apart down to my neurons
Recollecting the girl my unnoticed brilliant little brother called
Brainiac from the planet smartron
You may have seen my blue ghost in Gainesvilles alleyways
As i was rebuilding a soul deformed by multiple shames

After plunging down the drug rabbithole on purpose
Loving and encouraging my psychosis
for 9 months this time
As a scientist i dont groove to coincidence
But for 9 months I survived the space in between
Just enough time to be reborn
Now something different,
now something all together more

Heyhey, all of me all of me all of me is spitting ready,
Better leave now, cow-ards if this is getting too heady

Because im a bitch im a bitch im a bitch and im back
STONE COLD SOBER AS A MATTER OF FACT
I was raised Upstairs, used the sneer, the cold frown
Then my minds wounds appeared and I learned to live down
At 15 I was at boarding school, on sailboats and yachts
Now in no-razor, no-shoelace mental health hospitals and detox

Yeah im a bitch...
And im back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I fucking put my backpack on and got me there myself
No help
You suppossed understanding bohemian artist fucks
You acted as narcisistic whelps
Preaching radical liberal compassion on the lit stage
Then when the crowds go down you run  from someone elses pain.

You trespassed me, put me in handcuffs
Now Im back: Ayla, Scout, & Ponyboy Tuff

Yeah Im a bitch im a bitch im a bitch
And Im back
And either way im Hitting your stage
Even if i have to push through the cracks
and even as you snort, swallow & blaze
I fucking stay
stone cold sober as a matter of fact

Easter Egg Hunts

My lyrics are a big bunch
of Easter Egg hunts
I am the White Rabbit
but I don't wear sexy sexist bunny ears
I don't attach and wiggle a cotton ball tail
Oh, no, I FIRESTART so hot you sweat tears
In mi profesore glasses
smart and such
Yeah, I'm McAslan looking at my watch
but I am not late,
Wizard McKellan exactly where and when I mean to be
I'm on time, I'm on rhyme
The female Gandalf on the beat.
Yep, period, yep, period, yep, period,
Yep.
Get it yet?
I'm hiding eggs

Red tents are where I hatch my schemes
And yeah I take it from all teams
But no little brood here, I am latex clean
Born a chick but not Chicken Little.
The sky is not falling, I AM
molting and molten
A gender fluid Phoenix Peacock
I am John, Jane and Sherlock

Blue and pink turnt to wow
Grrl to boi to "who the fuck now?"
Yeah, that's one way to get reknown
Throwing shade as I pass out
Face plant, grass stained frown

But I
Get Up
Get on Up
Get Up
Get on Up
Learnt from my go-go mother
Dancing me on her hip
Putting baby down to James Brown

Yep I've lost, I've slid, I've slipped
But, I I I LIVED
I've met and defeated IT, Derry's King Clown
Hashtag: Put a pounding down
Rotting lying sewer scum is where my genes come from
Cut family off, listen to the silence hum

Hunting seasons begun for a reason
Rapunzel has shaved, is clueless but clear
What to do? No fear.
Look for meaning among our roots, my dear...

That's one way to lose these walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of my shoes
by listening to Paul Simon's cues
I got my "physics voice" wailin'
Learnt from Ellie Arroway via Carl Sagan
Got my pride jumpstarted by riotgrrls who took no shit
Ani, Tracy, Dolly, Sinead
Bitch I'm Madonna to Hedwig

Moshing with the good old boys
Split My Lip
Headlining now
I bleed while I spit
Mic bloody, Write Bloody
Music, Fiction, Physics and Poetry,
you saved me.
I Am A Rock, you can't hurt me
But now an island lonely

So put a mic on me
Im ailin, im illin,
I need Contact
I'm not fuckin chillin
I am alone to my bones
Needing some rabble rouser voices
To help me get home.

I am a boi Queen, a grrl King
Screaming my bling
Flinging my family's priceless mings
The FIRESTARTER
So much heat I got my whole life to rise up upon
On the soles of my shoes di i i iamonds
Phoenix use the currents from the blaze to
Fly away
Like the waves you see on the black highway
Undulating and unclear?
No dear
Hot and clearing
Searing
A spicy brew of Truth
Drink that tea
To heal and
Come
home

What home?
My bro and yo never had a home
If home means safety
If home means hugs
If home means body
If home means trust
We never had a home.

Fuck this sipping quietly,
I am Spilling this damn Tea
So Sorry, But not really
How u like easter now?
That tea is hitting, pow
Better hit up Tre Melvin
See if he needs a grip or somethin
Bee Cuz, Cuz, u gotta get one,
A Grip
You are a motherless child
Your whole life- Jason Bourne
All you ever were shown was hatred and porn
You have had to teach yourself love
Your Self love
Your Self live

Love Your Self
Live Your Selves

Te quiero? No
Me quiero. Now.
Ahora, mi chica
Not later
For later you will be dead
For realz,
not just in the head or in the feelz
Suicide is painless, but getting there is torture
And each day you climb steadily, deadily Closer to Mordor
Throw the Precious Gilbert Vampire Ring,
the false-face bling
into Mount Doom
Don't throw you!

Singing Samwise BoiGrrl King!
As a child
you outshone The Shining!
Now lets live and sequel that bitch
Get to writing!

Princeling

Just because we are both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
You need to back the hell off today
Pay attention to my body seethe, please
Hear
my
Clear
verbal
no.
See my hand outstretched for a handshake.

I will not capitulate
When you state
"But we hug in NA"
Ah, hell no.
Especially if my body you can't respect.
You're acting like you're not grown.
Not a man
yet
not a king
yet

I can tell just by quietly observing
They way you've been behaving
Little Princeling
Walking in the rooms late and loud
Slapping hands with yr boys
Disturbingly proud
before finally sitting down
Legs splayed out
Hat cocked back,
eyes scanning the crowd
For folx to 13th step with, newbies to plow.

*Oh, a Footnote for the confused
You've heard of the 12 Steps, right?
A life and death fight
for sobriety for those who choose?
A quest for life through spiritual health.
Meaning not god exactly
(yeah, ah hell no!)
Oh, sorry, I meant to say god is not for me
Instead I use
willingness, honesty & integrity,
just to name a few

So, well, 13th stepping is when
NOT grown men & women
Do the opposite of sobriety zen
Instead of growing and and letting going
They use the rooms to 'hit that'
Chopping struggling saplings with an ax
Preying on fresh meat
Jackels stalking wounded gazelles
Taking two sobriety's down in one fell
Swoop

So just because we're both in NA
Doesn't mean a fuck to me
Put your arms down and away
I shake hands when we meet
No hugs here until I CHOOSE.
Until you just say "Hi" and
look straight into my eyes,
thinking of ME, not YOU.
Until you quit interjecting
and start respecting
That hugs are two way street
and you have swerved over the double yellow lines
Brother mine.
Now you are going the wrong way down my side.

I dont know you
You arent touching me
yet
Just because we're both in NA doesnt give you permission
I am on a mission to save my life.
And your fervent man-boy pheremones aren't what's gonna keep me clean tonight

I want to hear your thoughts
The real feelz
Deep down
Brave and spoken OUT LOUD
in a meeting
I want to hear you read a reading
Not just speeding through
I want to see you seeing instead of looking
Instead of preening
Why can't you see I am a Yew tree?
I cant hug
yet
But I am strong, just check
Lean your Heart against my Bark, just not your arms
Yet
I will touch when I trust
But I listen always
I will stick and stay
I will never look away
I can help staunch your bleed,
Eye to eye to infinity

Because I, this man-woman child
has some bleed of her own
Ax chops in childhood
until my sap was almost all gone
And I need personal space
To explore on
Wild hiking boots soled with diamonds
On the journey to reclaim my baby BoiGrrl
Still alive somehow inside my flames
I am Daenarys Stormborn and Grey Worm combined
And I am out to win my life
Win the Full Grown Genderfluid Titanium Throne

So, go my princeling, my budding King
Please stop scamming on newbies
Daydreaming through meetings
Go my brother, my sweet talking kin
Growing slowly into your adult skin
Go my princeling, go
and I know
You also
will find, create and
Win
your own
throne.

This is me. If i were Ed Sheeran.

This video is what DXM feels like ro me.   And I love it, but I can do it without it. That is the point.  MANANA, rehab, seedling restart.  All the voices in my mind... are ready to SING!!

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DK4Udv9qgOWU&ved=0CB4QyCkwAGoVChMIn_v8qYvJxwIVwpQeCh0kOgzl&usg=AFQjCNGa3WEkdN-2JHs15RhAZonDHDhENw

McAslan goes to Therapy, as in Not.

OK, working with my new phone and bluetooth keyboard, and it's working pretty well. I'm psyched. I am a techie nerd, yay!!!

Anywho, J called me today and we talked for 2 horas.  and now I'm high or, more accurately, I am about to be high, swallowed about 2 hours ago.  I was watching "Kermit Goes to Therapy" by Tre Melvin and it made me think of Gina, and how I sent her the video and that she didn't freak out and probably got the joke.  So I am the full fledged tea spilling pain in the ass, yep. 

I am the full fledged tea spilling pain in the ass
The grrl looking at you from under furrowed thick brows
Just begging you to make a move so I can strike back, and give you some sass.
so i can move my body in anger and fucking LASH OUT
i am the boxer
the puncher
the kicker

The hunter

soccer
playa

The lova 
the movement
the joy
in
screaming hey yaaaaaa!

and i want to learn how to do that daily
in a dignified helpful way
not be yanked out of time and thrown into the cauldron
yeah i win, i ball, i beat, but I break.

And it hurts.
i want to move my body with angry purpose on PURPOSE
catch a storm in a bottle
using the flaming spark to pound
????
what?
That's the question now
I am alone, know one around, so why so angry, why so much frown?
because the fire lives in the cells, the mitochondria remember.
and you get your energy from a flaming-fire-gutted-beast.  The Balrog, the Bandersnatch, The Jabberwock my son, Thats you. 

But Yew, too. STRONG.
You are a fire breather, fire eater.
You are warm and cosy, toasty
feeling grounded and at home,
while others are boiling and blistering alive.
Unable to survive on the heat you thrive on, Diamond.
Leo the Lion Lady.
That is you.

What I have to remember is that the only tea I need to be spilling is my own.
And lord, I am dumping that vat over
Tannins staining my skin as I swim through my anger
to fight, fight, fight, for what, the win?
If I were born 200 years ago, I'd be dead by now,
Or a smartass dowager countess, who doesn't even know weekends exist,
Because i am unaware of a work week.
If I were born 4000 years in the future, my soul would be in the net, my struggle song justa bunch of ones and zeroes, a computer log.

so FUCK expectations
FUCK "WHAT'S RIGHt"
I go left, go left tonight.

I am an angry broody bitchy chick.  With strong shoulders and legs that can kick. And the point is, I feel left out.  You wanna hang out?  I need more people on my lonely side of town,

Native Narnia

Fuck this sit, sit, sitting all the time
Watching the dayz slip, slip, slipping by blue in the shine
Of my LED, LCD Black Mirror screens
Dr Know U kno U R mine
But what about OFFLINE?

Fuck. This. Shit.
Cleaning OUT my closets
This is my Irish Blarney, Hah!
My razor tongue flicking open those WarDrobe doors
Because I am a Native of Narnia!
~
~
I sit alone at home. 
I so late and binge watch and
learn a priori
From Bridget Jones Diary,
And from inside I hear a query:
"Is she She-Me? and "R we Missus, Missus, Missus Jones?"
And then the same small voice asks again
"And Mark Darcy is he He-Me?"
Oh my hun, my kin
You know it!
You knew it
Already
I am he and she
Thou and Thee
We

Watching from the corners in a dunce cap
Soon to be a top hat
Un-spied and huge eyed. 
Taking insults in and still listenin
Standing up straight every time
Chin and fists high
Looking F I N E,  fine
I am INTJ, never learned to play
But this cat can Cheshire Smile by the mile.
Just imagine being raised by Lewis, Carrol, King and Wilde

And You All are always eating up my charm
While I am bleeding from the arms
And all you ever seem to See is a hunting BLIND.

A bright BOND Girl, a beautiful BLONDE Girl
Well fuck no, No Soy Su Hija, no mas.
No mas, no Mass, Nevermore.
Ze Raven hath spoken
Rapunzel has cut her golden
chains, her golden
LOCKS
I don't need them no more
I climb Up and Down
on all 4s
AH, NOW you FINALLY see the JOCK girl,
The BONG Girl. 

(My brother Finnick Oh'Dare already knew, Golden fire on the flick of his wrist)
Do you finally see my President Snow White skin?
He is my father, the butcher still not done with the slaughter.
I bleed for him every night in my bed in my head.
Peeta, will you stay with me? 
PTSD

I've been told I am so pale I glow in the dark
A ghost freckled with sunburns and scars
I finally own my own skin-
now my canvas for the stars.

My own name is claimed. Just try to break it. 
Here is my heart, just try and stake it.
You can't expire a fucking mongrel vampire
We bleed on!
Unstaunched.
I can't wait until somebody finally sees me.
I AM LAUNCHED.

Nicole Kidman is my Other(s)Mother
And Coraline has disappeared...
But Wybie Wyborn and the Black Cat are still here.

What to do, with lips so blue, and a smile made of black thread?
"Feed Your Head"
"Feed Your Head"
The dormouse said
But ReePaCheep said "Fuck It" and
Brought his sword instead.

"I CAN SEE THE STARS FROM AMERICA... I wonder can you see them too?"
(https://youtu.be/nkqVm5aiC28)

My dead lips pry open and croak, cloak and cry, high
I hear a UK redhead play, and this mogul-mongrel prays to him
Plays to Ed Sheeran

"Startalk to Artwalk, Once Upon a Time"
"The Butcher's Daughter," Lucy
Lied and Died Again and Again
And nyet, nein!
Not Le Petite Mort
These deaths are Grand Mal every line,

Death on a Walgreens dime.

Took the Red Pills of DXM chasing Poe's Green Fairy
Morpheus said it work be scary.
Right he was, Wow
And Lu Lu Lucy Somehow
BeeCame the BeeCharmer in Absentia,
Rawking Dementia
On the search for my elusive Absinthe brother.

Blinded by Rimbaud's Total Eclipse
I'm staying away from Verlaine
Chomping on the Horse's Sugar Cube
Nothing sweet can stay
I say
To my PonyGirlz
Go find yr PonyBoy, your Go-go Gadget Bro
I am Tony Stark's Sister dressed in Gold.
MC Aslan not as foretold
But by holy whoring
wholly self sold.

Oh noes, here come the Blue and Red fight lights...
Uh oh, it's da Po Po
And ReePaCheep booked a fight night
With a mouth bigger than my body
Bad Bois, Bad Grrlz watt u gonna do?
Watt u gonna do
When the thought police are coming for you?

Engineer Allison going to Haile after chatting my tale last Highday night?

Oh, fuck no, that's not right :)
Sorry, I meant to say

MC Aslan went to jail after chasing my tail
Last Friday Night

This is The Real World
This is the true story
Of  strangers created to live and love in my head.
A Dissociative Blood and Life Story
Masqued by the DXM Red Death

Fuck. This. Shit.
Cleaning OUT my closets
This is my Irish Blarney, Hah!
My razor tongue flicking open those WarDrobe doors
Because I am a Native of Narnia!
:-)

#Narnia  #Lucy  #Aslan  #CSLewis #ThroughTheWardrobe
#BridgetJonesDiary  #BridgetJones  #MrDarcy  #FitzwilliamDarcy  #MarkDarcy  #PrideandPrejudice  #JaneAusten
#EdSheeran  #TheFaultInOurStars  #MCAslan=#TheDeadRabbitsSon+#TheButchersDaughter 
#GangsofNewYork  #GangsofNEWYOU
#Coraline  #Wybie  #Wyborn  #Gaiman 
#BeeCharmer  #FriedGreenTomatoes  #FannieFlag 
#RedDeath  #Poe 
#LucyMovie  #CPH4

Hey, got a new keyboard!

OMG, So excited just acquired a Zagg wireless keyboard, and it is working great!

And by acquired, I know what I mean, lol.  Walmart is a great discount store.

Now I can type without swyping and correcting the spelling of every other word. 

Super awesomeness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easter Egg Hunts

My lyrics are a big bunch
of Easter Egg hunts
I am the White Rabbit
but I don't wear sexy sexist bunny ears
I don't attach and wiggle a cotton ball tail
Oh, no, I FIRESTART so hot you sweat tears
Wet and Wilde wearing top hat and tails
In mi profesore glasses
smart and such
Yeah, I'm MC Aslan looking at my watch
but I am not late,
Wizard McKellan exactly where and when I mean to be
A feline MC
I'm on time, I'm on rhyme
The female Gandalf, yep, on the beat.
Yep, period, yep, period, yep, period,
Yep.
Get it yet?
I'm hiding eggs

Red tents where I hatch my schemes
And yep, I take it from all teams
But no little brood here, I am latex clean
Born a chick but not Chicken Little.
The sky is not falling, I AM
molting and molten
A fucking Phoenix Peacock
I am John, Jane and Sherlock

Blue and pink turnt to wow
Grrl to boi to "who the fuck now?"
Yeah, that's one way to get reknown
Throwing shade as I pass out
Face plant, grass stained frown

But I Get Up
Get on Up
Get Up
Get on Up
Learnt from my go-go mother
Dancing me on her hip
Putting baby down to James Brown

Yep I've lost, I've slid, I've slipped
But, I I I LIVED
I met and defeated IT, Derry's King Clown
Hashtag: Put a pounding down
Rotting lying sewer scum is where my genes come from
Cut family off, listen to the silence hum

Hunting seasons begun for a reason
Rapunzel has shaved, is clueless but clear
What to do? No fear.
Look for meaning among our roots, my dear

Diamonds on the soles of my shoes Thats one way to lose these walking blues
Learnt listening to Paul Simon's cues
I got my "physics voice" wailin
Learnt from Ellie Arroway through Carl Sagan
Got my pride jumpstarted by riotgrrls who took no shit
Ani, Tracy, Dolly,
Bitch I'm Madonna to Hedwig

Moshing with the good old boys, split my lip
Headlining now I bleed while I spit
Mic bloody, write bloody
Music, Fiction, Physics and
Poetry,
you saved me.
I Am A Rock, you can't hurt me
But now an island lonely

So put a mic on me
Im ailin, im illin,
I need Contact
I'm not fuckin chillin
I am alone to my bones
Needing some rabble rouser voices
To help me get home.

I am a boi Queen, a grrl King
Screaming my bling
Flinging priceless mings
The FIRESTARTER
So much heat I got my whole life to rise up upon
On the soles of my shoes di i i iamonds
Phoenix use the currents from the blaze to
Fly away
Like the waves you see on the black highway
Undulating and unclear?
No dear
Hot and clearing
Searing
A spicy broth
Drink it up
To heal and
Come
home

What home?
My bro and yo never had a home
If home means safety
If home means hugs
If home means body
If home means trust
We never had a home.

So sorry to be pouring the tea
But not really
How u like easter now?
That tea is hitting, pow
Better hit up Tre Melvin
See if he needs a grip or somethin
Bee Cuz, Cuz, u gotta get one,
A Grip
You are a motherless child
Your whole life- Jason Bourne
Even though all you saw was hatred and porn
You have had to teach yourself love
Your Self love
Your Self live

Love Your Self
Live Your Selves

Te quiero? No
Me quiero. Now.
Ahora, mi chica
Not later
For later you will be dead
For realz, not just in the head or in the feels.
Suicide is painless, but getting there is torture
And each day you climb steadily Closer
Throw the Gilbert ring,
the false-face bling into
Mount Doom
Don't throw you!

Singing Samwise BoiGrrl King!
You outshone The Shining
Now lets live and sequel that bitch
Get to writing!

Got a cold? Watch Victor Victoria and Write!

So, got a massive head cold, maybe the flu.  And that's sort of good because it is slowing down my self-sabotage and drug/alcohol use.  I have been on a Reign of Terror (Tara Rain) for quite a while and have now gotten myself almost to zero.

Actually I am less than zero.

Here's the new Poem I'm working on.  Called The Hospital:  The First Visit to Underland

The First Visit to Underland

The first time I went to the hospital never happened

At least according to my mother

I was thirty four.  

I was never there. 

I was never up all night the night before, 

panicking, believing

that the electricity in the walls could read my mind

and the listeners were NOT kind...

that the people on TV were dead and puppets

that the colors red and blue were nations of thought

that the red was bad, the blue was good

And I didn't crawl on the floor of my apartment, screaming

looking through the cat door at the policemans shoes

my eye through the opening like Alice

Refusing to open the human door, 

because The Man's shoe leather was cheap and scuffed,

so I COULDN'T believe their shiny badges.

I didn't know this then, but I had been trained to spot a ringer at a mile early on

Use my charming smile like a gun and Run, or 

FIGHT.  

Never give in, never.

You have a little brother, and he can't walk, can't even talk yet, yet, yet.

So you have to wait until you're bigger

Until then You are a slave

Save yourself, save your brother, SAVE

You have to be BRAVE.  You have to Wait in the Cut.  Yes, yes, yes.

Cut them with your razor teeth. CUT. Cut, cut, cut.

"We should have killed them all", said my little one with the SAND 

But I didn't know that then, in real time, not before.

that's probably when the screaming began

Alice had always been standing guard in her pinafore

Arms strapped behind her back

with a bloody knife in her handcuffed hand

Didn't know about my Underland.

I wasn't tackled to the ground raving when they finally broke in

(I had neglected to lock the human door

thought i was safe in my cheshire cat position)

I wasn't slapped in cuffs, a 250 pound man-knee in my back.

RED and BLUE lights, Red and Blue lights, Red and Blue lights.  

Strobe Swirl Strobe Swirl across my aching eyes

An affront to the early morning sunlight, 

My mind breaking dawn

As the neighbors came out to lawn watch

the insanity spawn 

The outer din mimicking my inner spin

My REVOLUTION.

I wasn't shoved and stuffed into the back of a black and white, 

Terrified

To be delivered to the doors of the place I never went

and went there for a week.

The North wing I think, the bad one.

A whole new Vista in Gainesville for me

I didn't see a man growl like a dog and lift his leg to pee

on the floor.

I didn't see another continually

Take his shirt off and dance a suggestive dance 

to the orderlies

I didn't stay up all night because I was so scared of being in such a place

Where folx had lost their human faces

And the staff were just poorly paid mercenaries

Far from helping, just fools

Nurse ratchet tools

I didn't wait until the dead of night to cry in the shower. 

All of my false bourgeoisie  

power 

washing down the drain with my tears

My parent's fame gone, thank god.

Goodbye, Engineer

So long

So long in the corner of the dirty tiled floor naked, until the water turned cold

I shook and I did not understand.  

This visit that never happened

Covered up with my mother-lawyers gab of glib

This was to be just the first hospital visit that never happened

Frozen I did not understand

This was just the first

Just the First 

Visit to Underland.

Bad night? Or bad life?

I am having yet another really feeling all alone kind of night.  stood up to people cutting on transgenders online and got called a c***. And then not one person in the thread stood up for me.  I don't know what else I I'm supposed to do. I know that whatever I'm doing is wrong.  I'm so unhappy.

O! M! G! I want to fuck you like an animal. Snape!

Snape Hermione Closer.

Amanda Palmer - Bigger On The Inside

A Treatise on the similar aspects of Dissociation and Super Glue

That title gives me a chuckle.  Anyway.  I"m high, and tried to fix a stick on light that I had "stuck on" my door a few weeks ago, but unstuck itself.  Meaning when I came home the other day, the light was on the ground, not on the door, giving nice, safe illumination of my lock.

So, being the tinkerer I am, I tried to fix it now, wihile high on DXM, which was fun, then frustrating, then angry making, and now as I reflect, it is fucking hilarious:).  My typing suckx because I have fing super glue on th4e tips of all o =f my fingers.  Thus: the dissociation   connection:

As I was trying to pull apart then stick together all these plastic parts, the glue strated drying and my fingers became part of the project.  I was ensconceed in super glue at the fingertip level.  And I was worried because I was high, that I might hurt myself.  I wish I could draw a picture lol.  I'm sitting at the table, eyes not able to focus, with little white plastic parts slathered in super glue intertwined in my fingertips, and i realize, i'm all glued together.  Fun.   So, huh.  OK, go slow, cause we don't want to rip our skin, so I go slow, and am worried that the drugs or the super glue are not leeting me feel the pain because it doesn't hurt.  And I slowly pull apart m y fingers and plastic bits.  I'm gonna go back and fix it after this, damnit!  But wow, I got all sepaerated without hurting myself.  But now, instead of acrylic nails, I have acrylic fingers.  I feel like a proto-robo-cop writing this now, my fingertips literally are clacking on the keyboard, they are so hard from the casing of superglue.  I love my dorky ass, engineer, drug stupid self :)

W O W

This was stuck in draft mode, was suppossed to be published 8/19/13



ok, so just stream of consciousness going here.  what have we done?  we have taken in a probably? dissociative boy and done dxm with him twice and have had sex with him twice and he basically lives at our house now.  o m g.  and i think i love him.  i don't even know him.  i am so full of shit wtf am i dooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggggg?

oddly, i feel incredibly calm because i am still high on dxm.  so, for the past few months, obvio,usly, we've been using dxm, doing our own therapy, watching art and learning to accept ourselves, all while fairly maintaining? a life.  at least a job of 4 hours a week? hah hah hah ah ahhhahhhhahhah  and we make it to therapy every time. and we do good shit.   But we are dissociative as fuck.  Many, many fucking compartments.  Here comes the capitalizer, who's that? Fuck Offf.  Okey dkey.

anyway.  ok, so on wednesday, we went to walgreens per usual to pick up dxm, before I went in i was sitting in the car on my phone and saw two dudes, bros, ya, walk through the parking lot and I thought, huh, they are up to something.  Not bad per se , just something. No  biggie, just a notice.  Then I got off the phone went in, and went to my favorite aisle, and there are two young grungy guys with an empty cart looking both oddly happy and perplexed in front of the cough syrup aisle.  So.  So.  So. I hear them say they  aren't sure what to get, and the dark haired one looks at me and says something like "You look like you might be able to help us."

And I'm like... um.  Yes.  So Science Brain comes out and asks, "You're looking for DXM, right?"  Just like that, cool as a fucking cucumber, as if it is totally normal to be talking about my deepest darkest secret in the bright white flourescent daylight of the cough medicine aisle of walgreens.  Damn.

"YeAH!"

I point at the stuff, the pure dxm without the guenefisin and other shit.  and say something like"That's the stuff."

They look at me, still slightly nonplussed, but excited.  We are all speaking the same language here, and it's fun to fucking do it in public.  Fuck you, The Man.

I look at what they have in their hands and it's Coricidin Cold and Cough.  And I know I've read about triple C's, but I also know I read to stay away from any extra crap/meds if you can and take only dxm.  And the Coricidin has at least Guanefesin in it, and probably acetometophin and other shit you don't need and will fucking kill you and your liver, whichever dies first. I say to them, "You can't take that stuff.  That stuff has poison in it, it will kill your liver."  There are two of them, dark hair and blue eyes.  it's like a rocket or a flare goes off in blue eyes eyes.  I literally see it flash in his eyes.  I say, have you been on erowid?  blue eyes says, yeah!  dark hair assents.  but it's blue eyes who knows.  I say, they say it on there, you have to take the stuff with only dxm, no other meds, otherwise you will poison yourself with the extras.  I point again at the pure walgreens knock of cough pills- "those are the ones."  I grab two for myself, but they somehow don't' notice in their newfound knowledge excitement.  i ask, "do you live around here?" to both of them, but dark hair answers, he's the one in charge.  "oh, yeah, i live over there a few blocks."  I say, "Cool, I live the other direction, toward Wilton Manors."  code.  it's all code.  i'm feeling them out.  they are feeling me out. are we gonna play?  i guess i fold because i just walk away toward the ice cream aisle.

i fake browse for a few seconds, trying to get my spinning brain to calm down.  did that just happen?  did i just talk about dxm in public with two strangers in front of some middle aged woman browsing for an ankle brace?  wtf just happened?  i'm still reeling and dark hair comes to me in the bright white freezer aisle and asks me, hey, "we should get your number?"  and i fucking give it to them.  i give them my real goddamn number.  and dark hair calls my phone which i had left in the car, because i had planned to only be in walgreens for a second.

this is amazing.  amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg.  i never open up to people.  never.  especially not two drugged out boys looking to get fucked up at the local walgreens.  wearing dirty t shirts and cargo pants.  with beautiful blue eyes.  what the fuck was i thinking?  i stayed in numb mode, because i was pretty sure if i started feeling i would want to punch myself in the face.  so i down the dxm and do a mild trip, and TEXT THEM TWICE while high appropriately, just to check in.  I was gonna see if they were going to ask me to join, but i wasn't sure, and if they did i didn't know what i would say, but thankfully they didn't.  we just swapped mg amounts and went on our merry way.