How do I both love and hate Ani Difranco. She is a genius, but cold. I am jealous of her talent, her drive, her ability to succeed. I don't think I could have ever been an Ani, but I could have been great. Is it too late now? Probably.
I relapsed just now. Watching porn. Ugh. I hate it, but I do it. I also relapsed on alcohol. But for some reason that doesn't seem like a big deal. Because I don't really think alcohol is a problem. DXM is definitely a problem.
"look with all of you, not with just your eyes." Albacore, Ani Difranco.
My hands are aging. My face is not I guess. I got carded tonight to buy my uggy six pack of Mikes Pink Hard Lemonade. The guy thought I was in my 20's. Yay. Or not. Whatever.
I am so sad. And so, so, so, so, so alone. I want to be in love, to have someone love me, but I have no ability to do so. I want a circle of friends that I can love and love me. And I don't. I have 3 good friends. That is good. But somehow that doesn't seem like enough somehow. J says I'm feeling the abandonment. This feeling of aloneness and emptiness is the emptiness from childhood. Maybe so, but how do I fix it? How does that knowledge somehow help?
I think I am close to suicidal again. Death by ennui.
My mother's hands were always on me. Except when I wouldn't touch her. But she always had the god-fucking-given right to put her hands on me at any time she wanted. The right of her being the adult, the right because I was a child, the right because she was my mother and she owned me. The right of the strong over the weak, over the young, over the helpless. I loved her and she used that against me. I put up with so much, because I had no other choice. I should have left. Like Suzanne said, at 5 I should have packed a bag, grabbed my 3 year old bother and fucking flown to Paris. Gotten away from the werewolves. Werewolf mother, werewolf father. Werewolf daughter? No.
I relapsed just now. Watching porn. Ugh. I hate it, but I do it. I also relapsed on alcohol. But for some reason that doesn't seem like a big deal. Because I don't really think alcohol is a problem. DXM is definitely a problem.
"look with all of you, not with just your eyes." Albacore, Ani Difranco.
My hands are aging. My face is not I guess. I got carded tonight to buy my uggy six pack of Mikes Pink Hard Lemonade. The guy thought I was in my 20's. Yay. Or not. Whatever.
I am so sad. And so, so, so, so, so alone. I want to be in love, to have someone love me, but I have no ability to do so. I want a circle of friends that I can love and love me. And I don't. I have 3 good friends. That is good. But somehow that doesn't seem like enough somehow. J says I'm feeling the abandonment. This feeling of aloneness and emptiness is the emptiness from childhood. Maybe so, but how do I fix it? How does that knowledge somehow help?
I think I am close to suicidal again. Death by ennui.
My mother's hands were always on me. Except when I wouldn't touch her. But she always had the god-fucking-given right to put her hands on me at any time she wanted. The right of her being the adult, the right because I was a child, the right because she was my mother and she owned me. The right of the strong over the weak, over the young, over the helpless. I loved her and she used that against me. I put up with so much, because I had no other choice. I should have left. Like Suzanne said, at 5 I should have packed a bag, grabbed my 3 year old bother and fucking flown to Paris. Gotten away from the werewolves. Werewolf mother, werewolf father. Werewolf daughter? No.
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