Podcasts are kewl.

So I went for a run tonight and listened to a podcast of J being interviewed.  This is the first time I've ever listened to a podcast.  Wow, I'm only like 10 years behind the curve.  Wow.

So J was great.  It is good to hear his theories when I'm not in the room and know that what he's saying has nothing to do with me personally.  Because as we all know, everything has to do with me at all times.  Seriously though, when he talks about abuser values, loyalty and being stuck, it's nice to hear it dispassionately.  Every other time I hear/see him I'm in the middle of some type of emotional quagmire.  Either I'm ready to run from the room or dissociate, want to cut myself and die, or am somehow trying to flirt with him and get him to like me. 

It is really sad how important it is to me for him to like me.  Find me attractive even.  I can't believe I am writing this on a public blog, but that is what I've decided to do.  Have a blog with no secrets just out here on the net.  So here it is.  I've related crazier shit than this before.  But now I'm afraid J will somehow track this down and read it.  But I doubt it.  I get the feeling he's 1. not incredibly invested in his blog, 2. not really invested in stalking his readers and 3. not that net savvy.

But yeah, so even after working through it with him somewhat, even after I already told him I don't want to start getting a crush on him or hitting on him, and after he told me there would be no way in hell he would ever entertain any of that shit from me; even after all that, still, if he would go for it, I would go for it.  "It" being some kind of ridiculous romantic entanglement.  Still.  Sick huh?  I think it is actually a blockage to me getting better.  I guess I should talk to him or Cheryl about it.  Honesty, right?

I seriously have a problem in the needing male attention arena.  Why do I not do this with women?  I am bisexual, you would think I would also crave attention from women in power/authority.  But I don't.  Weird.  With women, I want the prettiest (to me) one in the room.  But I usually go for women my age or younger, who are at my status or below.  But, they have to be great looking, smart and connected.

With men it's a little looser.  If they have a PhD (or MD) (or DO I guess) then they could be a goddamn toad and I'd sleep with them.  This has been proven empirically.  Dr. Sputo is a case in point.  Yep, I said his fucking name.  No more fucking secrets asshole.  Angry, maybe...

But anyway, if a man is smart, accomplished and unavailable I will drool over him.  If he's young, working on himself, good looking and interested in me, I won't touch him.  This has also been proven many times empirically.  I never believe that a guy would actually like me.

The guy I'm sleeping with now completely confuses me.  OK, I just had a lightbulb moment.  Duh, guys will sleep with you because they want to have sex.  With pretty much anyone.  Just because they want to sleep with me doesn't mean they like me.  Duh.  Duh.  And I know that, hell, I've slept with enough guys in the "only sex" kinda way- no feelings, no attachments.  But always safe :-)

OK, so while running and listening to J tonight, I started to cry for no reason.  Then I started to get angry any time J (I'm sick of putting the damn Dr. in front of his name) said anything positive about "survivors".  At one point I started kicking a concrete wall, and now my freaking ankle hurts.   I literally was saying "fuck you" out loud at a couple of points.  I hear his self-love stuff and I want to reach through my ipod and punch him in the face then get a knife and shove it in my chest and thigh.

I've been having these recurring visions of stabbing myself HARD AND DEEP in my chest.  To die. Also visions of stabbing myself in my leg and stomach to hurt myself.  It's like cutting isn't enough anymore.  I want to violently, angrily stab myself again and again.  I want to stab into the meat of me.  It's scaring the shit out of me.  I'm afraid I'm going to do it.

I just sort of want to give up.  I'm tired and life is no good.  But at the same time I just want someone to sweep me up in their arms and hug me and love me.  But anything in between I don't want.  I either want to stop living or I want love.  The painful life I have now is unendurable and just stupid.