Hey all non-existent blog readers. I can't sleep, so I got up and decided to write. Dr. S is leaving program to work where she can use her talents. Right now the HP is not giving her enough to do since our group disintegrated. This makes me very sad. Unless I go to see her next week to say goodbye, I will never see her again. This really, really, really, really sucks. I am going to miss her so much. She helped me so much and I want to be able to keep in touch with someone who had such a strong impact on me, but alas, I fear boundaries are going to make that an impossibility. I am really going to miss her.
I slept all day today. I mean all day. I didn't get up until 4:30, so I obviously missed my regular 3:30 meeting, which sucks too. But I did make it to a meeting at 5:30, so that's good. I've spent the rest of the night hanging out with Carol, practicing music, talking and watching stand-up comedy.
I keep trying to figure out if anyone is reading this at all, but blogger keeps counting my visits to the blog, even though I set it up so I thought it wouldn't. Oh well. This is a blind shout going out to a deaf audience. Which is fine. I just want to get my thoughts out. And out they are.
I'm thinking of giving my Maria Bamford CD/DVD to Dr. S as a going away present. I had wanted to show it to her when I went back, but well, that's not gonna work now because she's going to be gone before I go back. UGGGGGHHHHH!
Oddly I keep thinking about other posts I have made. What I have previously written keeps popping into my head as I'm trying to fall asleep. Stuff I think is witty, or particularly meaningful I guess. I'm not sure why. The cute boy and mental health post is one that is making the rounds in my head. Maybe because it was one of my last normal nights before I turned into a full time mental patient. I used to have a real life where I went to art openings, then out for drinks afterwords with new and old exciting, vivacious, successful people. And I was one of them. Ugh, I hate what I am now. I shouldn't say that. But I want my old life back! And I don't know how to get it. I guess by starting to volunteer. Then maybe go back to school. Be around smart, interesting, passionate people again. I am bored now. Bored, bored, bored, bored, scared and bored. Yep, scared snuck in there too. I am scared of trying again for a real life and finding out that I am not capable. That it will all crumble fantastically away from me like it did before. I don't trust myself or the world. I feel like maybe I am just incapable of being a full human being. I'm afraid any attempts I take for a real life will fail miserably and I will be worse off than I am now. I hate Michelle for thinking and assuming I have to do better. Fuck her. Why do I have to be successful to be OK?
Am I ever allowed to just be, and have that be OK? I've been producing and proving myself my whole life. Nothing was ever enough, just as nothing was ever supposed to be to hard for me to do. I was expected to excel at everything I did. Which I did for all of my life. Why do I still have to do it now? I just want everyone to leave me alone. I want to be a beautiful failure and still have people love me. Fuck everyone else, and especially you, Michelle.
I slept all day today. I mean all day. I didn't get up until 4:30, so I obviously missed my regular 3:30 meeting, which sucks too. But I did make it to a meeting at 5:30, so that's good. I've spent the rest of the night hanging out with Carol, practicing music, talking and watching stand-up comedy.
I keep trying to figure out if anyone is reading this at all, but blogger keeps counting my visits to the blog, even though I set it up so I thought it wouldn't. Oh well. This is a blind shout going out to a deaf audience. Which is fine. I just want to get my thoughts out. And out they are.
I'm thinking of giving my Maria Bamford CD/DVD to Dr. S as a going away present. I had wanted to show it to her when I went back, but well, that's not gonna work now because she's going to be gone before I go back. UGGGGGHHHHH!
Oddly I keep thinking about other posts I have made. What I have previously written keeps popping into my head as I'm trying to fall asleep. Stuff I think is witty, or particularly meaningful I guess. I'm not sure why. The cute boy and mental health post is one that is making the rounds in my head. Maybe because it was one of my last normal nights before I turned into a full time mental patient. I used to have a real life where I went to art openings, then out for drinks afterwords with new and old exciting, vivacious, successful people. And I was one of them. Ugh, I hate what I am now. I shouldn't say that. But I want my old life back! And I don't know how to get it. I guess by starting to volunteer. Then maybe go back to school. Be around smart, interesting, passionate people again. I am bored now. Bored, bored, bored, bored, scared and bored. Yep, scared snuck in there too. I am scared of trying again for a real life and finding out that I am not capable. That it will all crumble fantastically away from me like it did before. I don't trust myself or the world. I feel like maybe I am just incapable of being a full human being. I'm afraid any attempts I take for a real life will fail miserably and I will be worse off than I am now. I hate Michelle for thinking and assuming I have to do better. Fuck her. Why do I have to be successful to be OK?
Am I ever allowed to just be, and have that be OK? I've been producing and proving myself my whole life. Nothing was ever enough, just as nothing was ever supposed to be to hard for me to do. I was expected to excel at everything I did. Which I did for all of my life. Why do I still have to do it now? I just want everyone to leave me alone. I want to be a beautiful failure and still have people love me. Fuck everyone else, and especially you, Michelle.
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