OK, so I finally called my sponsor. But got voicemail, suck. I actually wanted to talk to her, which is amazing. Usually I pray for voicemail so I don't have to talk to people.
I talked to S a bunch today after the 3:30 meeting and she was helpful. It was enough that she was spending time with me. Some of the things she said I didn't understand or agree with, but again, her concern was enough. She told me that I have to take action, and one of the actions I could take was calling my sponsor. (So I did). The other action she suggested was dealing with not being able to be in program for 2 more weeks and go back like a lady. Um, the lady thing is not me, but I understand what she meant. She meant go back as a centered adult. Which is what I want to be: a centered, calm, dignified, bad ass adult.
It still hurts every day how I was treated by Lara and program. It hurts, like physically hurts my heart. I get a burning, aching in my chest and my stomach clenches up. My heart rate races and I feel like screaming or crying. I hate it. I don't understand why they would want to do that to me. But they did. And for right now, I am sick of talking about it!
Because of S I stayed for the 5:30 meeting, and it was good and I shared. I didn't mean to be, but I was funny and cracking everyone up. It made me want to do stand up, like my hero Maria Bamford. But stand-up is a lot of work and I'm tired right now. Maybe I'll just be funny in my songs. Or at least witty.
I called C today, which I had promised myself I would do before Weds, so yay for me! He seems to be doing OK, and it was nice to talk to him. I am worried about his reaction when his best friend dies (he has brain cancer). I hope C can pull through. Losing his mother and his best friend in a year is going to be very, very tough.
I talked to Carol tonight about our relationship (while at Chipotle, of course). We do love the Chipotle. Anyway, I brought up that I feel our relationship was not going in a direction I liked. She depends on me for things, and I give her way too much advice and try to tell her what to do all the time. Not good. It's like I'm the one on high and she's down below me somewhere and that is NOT how I want to have a friendship. So I told her I had to stop giving her advice, and that we had to stop talking about program together. I fucked it up within 10 minutes and started giving her advice, but she caught me. Which is awesome. I don't want to be the one "in charge". I want an egalitarian relationship where there are two adults both giving and taking. I need to have radical acceptance of her and where she is right now, not how I wish her to be. I hope we can pull this off, because if not, then I cannot hang out with her anymore. I do not want to be the person I am now when I hang out with her. So I have to be strong and be better. NO ADVICE! NO CARETAKING!
I'm going off to bed now, first to read a bit. I just got the new Stephen King novel. It makes me feel like a kid (in a good way) to be reading Stephen King again. He's like a comfy blanket that feels and smells just right. Love him. When he's good, which is not always, but he's good often enough.
I talked to S a bunch today after the 3:30 meeting and she was helpful. It was enough that she was spending time with me. Some of the things she said I didn't understand or agree with, but again, her concern was enough. She told me that I have to take action, and one of the actions I could take was calling my sponsor. (So I did). The other action she suggested was dealing with not being able to be in program for 2 more weeks and go back like a lady. Um, the lady thing is not me, but I understand what she meant. She meant go back as a centered adult. Which is what I want to be: a centered, calm, dignified, bad ass adult.
It still hurts every day how I was treated by Lara and program. It hurts, like physically hurts my heart. I get a burning, aching in my chest and my stomach clenches up. My heart rate races and I feel like screaming or crying. I hate it. I don't understand why they would want to do that to me. But they did. And for right now, I am sick of talking about it!
Because of S I stayed for the 5:30 meeting, and it was good and I shared. I didn't mean to be, but I was funny and cracking everyone up. It made me want to do stand up, like my hero Maria Bamford. But stand-up is a lot of work and I'm tired right now. Maybe I'll just be funny in my songs. Or at least witty.
I called C today, which I had promised myself I would do before Weds, so yay for me! He seems to be doing OK, and it was nice to talk to him. I am worried about his reaction when his best friend dies (he has brain cancer). I hope C can pull through. Losing his mother and his best friend in a year is going to be very, very tough.
I talked to Carol tonight about our relationship (while at Chipotle, of course). We do love the Chipotle. Anyway, I brought up that I feel our relationship was not going in a direction I liked. She depends on me for things, and I give her way too much advice and try to tell her what to do all the time. Not good. It's like I'm the one on high and she's down below me somewhere and that is NOT how I want to have a friendship. So I told her I had to stop giving her advice, and that we had to stop talking about program together. I fucked it up within 10 minutes and started giving her advice, but she caught me. Which is awesome. I don't want to be the one "in charge". I want an egalitarian relationship where there are two adults both giving and taking. I need to have radical acceptance of her and where she is right now, not how I wish her to be. I hope we can pull this off, because if not, then I cannot hang out with her anymore. I do not want to be the person I am now when I hang out with her. So I have to be strong and be better. NO ADVICE! NO CARETAKING!
I'm going off to bed now, first to read a bit. I just got the new Stephen King novel. It makes me feel like a kid (in a good way) to be reading Stephen King again. He's like a comfy blanket that feels and smells just right. Love him. When he's good, which is not always, but he's good often enough.
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