So a pretty OK day today. Got up just barely in time for the depression support group and was a few minutes late, but that was fine cause I got there before the facilitator. The group sort of sucked- some woman (new just like me) came in and hijacked the group, talking about her daughter and how sick with mental illness her daughter was. She said nothing about herself as a consumer. It pissed me off, so I said something. I'm really proud of myself because I said it fairly calmly and coolly. I told her I thought that this was a group for people with depression, not a parent of someone with bipolar. I told her that she hadn't said one word about herself, just complaints about a person who is just like me. (she really did piss me off). She paused for literally only 5 seconds, then continued on hijacking the meeting. At one point I interjected again, and the group asked me to share, so I did. I told them about how I feel so lost right now, OMG. I cannot remember what I said. Wow, is this a dissociative moment? I cannot remember, I'm guessing. I think I talked about how I was unhappy with my life and how non-functional I am, but I can't remember.
Holy Shit! This is the real deal. A real proof moment. I cant remember. And I was angry at the meeting and I think the angry one was out. Which is why I can't remember. This is actually cool. A real prove it to myself moment. I am not making this shit up. This is real.
Which is what Lara has been telling me for a year, but I didn't believe her. (Well she hasn't really told me I'm dissociative, she just lets me see all the dissociation around me and asks me if it looks familiar. And she asks me why I'm in group. And don't I feel at home there? Why would I feel at home if I didn't fit in, didn't have the same thing everyone else has?)
I'm sitting here trying to remember what happened in the group, but I can't. Anything else I would write would be a mixture of guessing and fabrication, which I just realized, I think I do a lot. Holy shit. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. The angry one was in group! She's also the charming funny one. The one that can kick your (and my) ass. I don't know her name. I'm pretty sure she's a teenager. And she hates everybody. Everybody except Lara and Dr. S. But now she's hating them a bit because they won't let her back into group. She want's to tell them to go fuck themselves. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I talked to my sponsor today for an hour about. It was great talking to her. She helped me a lot. She understands how hard it is for me right now, and she validated me. She knows it's hell at first. Which it was last night. I couldn't sleep because my inner voice just kept going over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over how bad the program situation is. How much they all hate me. How much I hate them right now. How I am such a horrific, terrible monster because they need to protect groups from me. At one point I grabbed my head and screamed stop! IT WAS AWFUL. I felt like I was going crazy. That's when I called my sponsor for the second time, still not getting her, only her stupid answering machine. But she called me back finally tonight.
I love her, love her as a sponsor, but I need someone who is in town more and who picks up their phone when I call (not always me having to leave a message and wait for a call back). I guess I could have her as a support friend. I can always call her, but get a sponsor who is in town. This sucks! I want R but I she's not perfect! Ugh! Oh well. I guess maybe I'll ask N to be my sponsor. We'll see. She keeps not showing up for meetings, and I don't really want that.
I bought diphenhydramine HCL for sleeping (benadryl) tonight. My body is a little leery of using it, but I don't want the shit going on in my head like last night. I want to sleep!
OK, tomorrow I'm calling the volunteer place. Yes I am! And I will make three calls about Medicare D! Yay. I will do it! I will, because I want to. But if I don't, that's OK too, because I'm supposed to be being kind to myself and cut myself some slack. It is OK if I am not super-productive awesomeness all the time :)
Holy Shit! This is the real deal. A real proof moment. I cant remember. And I was angry at the meeting and I think the angry one was out. Which is why I can't remember. This is actually cool. A real prove it to myself moment. I am not making this shit up. This is real.
Which is what Lara has been telling me for a year, but I didn't believe her. (Well she hasn't really told me I'm dissociative, she just lets me see all the dissociation around me and asks me if it looks familiar. And she asks me why I'm in group. And don't I feel at home there? Why would I feel at home if I didn't fit in, didn't have the same thing everyone else has?)
I'm sitting here trying to remember what happened in the group, but I can't. Anything else I would write would be a mixture of guessing and fabrication, which I just realized, I think I do a lot. Holy shit. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. The angry one was in group! She's also the charming funny one. The one that can kick your (and my) ass. I don't know her name. I'm pretty sure she's a teenager. And she hates everybody. Everybody except Lara and Dr. S. But now she's hating them a bit because they won't let her back into group. She want's to tell them to go fuck themselves. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I talked to my sponsor today for an hour about. It was great talking to her. She helped me a lot. She understands how hard it is for me right now, and she validated me. She knows it's hell at first. Which it was last night. I couldn't sleep because my inner voice just kept going over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over how bad the program situation is. How much they all hate me. How much I hate them right now. How I am such a horrific, terrible monster because they need to protect groups from me. At one point I grabbed my head and screamed stop! IT WAS AWFUL. I felt like I was going crazy. That's when I called my sponsor for the second time, still not getting her, only her stupid answering machine. But she called me back finally tonight.
I love her, love her as a sponsor, but I need someone who is in town more and who picks up their phone when I call (not always me having to leave a message and wait for a call back). I guess I could have her as a support friend. I can always call her, but get a sponsor who is in town. This sucks! I want R but I she's not perfect! Ugh! Oh well. I guess maybe I'll ask N to be my sponsor. We'll see. She keeps not showing up for meetings, and I don't really want that.
I bought diphenhydramine HCL for sleeping (benadryl) tonight. My body is a little leery of using it, but I don't want the shit going on in my head like last night. I want to sleep!
OK, tomorrow I'm calling the volunteer place. Yes I am! And I will make three calls about Medicare D! Yay. I will do it! I will, because I want to. But if I don't, that's OK too, because I'm supposed to be being kind to myself and cut myself some slack. It is OK if I am not super-productive awesomeness all the time :)
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