I'm waiting to fall asleep and so I'm writing. Believe it or not, journaling is what many of the shrink-type folk prescribe for doing before sleep. So there, I'm being therapeutic when I write about wanting to do my shrink.
Ugh. So I have a boyfriend I guess. The first one I have had in a long, long, long-ass time. I'm talking 10 years. And when I say "one" that includes girlfriends. Because the last relationship I had was with a girl. I guess woman. At least she's a woman now. I'm not sure if 24 counts as woman yet.
Ah, sweet little J. I royally fucked her over. It's my style. Like jazz, I'm the tortured and mournful trumpet of Miles Davis. Not the be-bop. Never the be-bop. Sketches of Spain, buy it, live it, love it. I say BUY it, not steal it by downloading from some torrent site.
I did a homemade steam and scrub facial this evening. My skin looks mahvelous darling. Maybe F will want to kiss it.
Sick, sick, sick that I want F to kiss it, not bf.
Bf is not hot. I met him on OKCupid, and he sort of never left. And I just keep hanging out with him and I don't know why. I don't like him and I'm mean to him. I'm a jerk. In general, and especially to bf.
He seems to think I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread. Why? It is one of those great mysteries. I'm not especially good looking, I'm overweight and I'm a bitch. You figure it out- cause I can't.
OK, I'm not all bad:
I am smart. Really smart, too smart for my own mental health. (I do drugs so I can shut my brain the fuck up. I'm not doing them so much right now.) I guess I have a pretty face. I can fix lots of things, I know how to use my own tools. I am self-sufficient. I'm fairly well-read. I'm going to have a master's degree in a well-paying field. I love what I do. I love to get dirty and don't mind bugs. I don't back down if I believe in something. I am loyal (when I'm not blowing someone off). When I do something, I do it right.
But most of those things can be annoying as well. And don't men mostly go on looks at first? I am royally fucked then. I'm sort of trying to lose weight by doing yoga.
Let's not even start on the weight thing. I guess if I were as thin as I wanted to be, I would think I was very good looking. But as it is I'm a toad. Ugh.
Not a story I want to get into, but a chick punk band I was in told me they dropped me because I was not good looking/confident in my looks enough. That's what they said. I think it may have been partly because I played all the instruments better than every woman in the band. Does that make me arrogant? Plus, looking good is better than playing well when you're a chick. Although I got laid enough when I played on my own and with my own band.
(For all that are reading- fuck Pinkeye. They blew me off and they couldn't play a chord progression or write lyrics to save their lives.)
So yeah, bf is freaking me out. He's obviously got his own issues. Because if I were he, I would drop me like a hot potato.
OK, so I'm finally getting tired now. Bed.
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