OK, so after writing my feelings about Jeanette, I realized that part of the urgency that is happening is not just because of her. It is because I have NEVER been able to allow myself to actually love someone. To, in the psychological use of the word, "attach" myself to anyone. It was only and always my mother. And that is why right now it feels like FUCKING JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
TO FUCKING SCREAM: I LOVE SOMEONE, ANYONE, I LOVE MYSELF, IN FACT.
oh, i love myself in fact. That is it. I love me. And it's not a love me more than her (mom). It's a I love me, and it allows me to not attack her. Funny. Seriously. I am allowed to have myself. And that self fell itselfness in love with a girl. a Woman. who unfortunately is 1. not gay 2. your best friend and 3. someone you went through trauma treatment with. Not ideal. But SHE IS SO FUCKING GREAT! Small ones and big ones inside decry. Yes, she fucking is. But we can't fuck her. Because she isn't in the right place for that to happen for her with me right now. It would be bad for her and probably for me. Although I want to pretend I'm tough and could handle it. ARRRRRGH. Because it seems so perfect.
We understand each others fuck ups about sex and weirdness and we'd be patient and loving with each other and it would be safe. But it scares the living shit out of her, so no. NO.
It is because we are scared. We only trust her. Her and Gina. Hah, which I guess means we'd have real sex with Gina. Hah. We can have all sorts of stupid not real sex all over the place, (and we have), but we've only had real sex once, maybe twice with Alan in college. Real sex meaning connected, all there, emotionally there sex. And when it happened with Alan, it was an accident. He was a good guy, I think. I hope. Maybe I'll check up on him on Facebook. Alan Nail.
So we are fucking allowed to own our damn selves. And when your mother hits you, do not strike back.
TO FUCKING SCREAM: I LOVE SOMEONE, ANYONE, I LOVE MYSELF, IN FACT.
oh, i love myself in fact. That is it. I love me. And it's not a love me more than her (mom). It's a I love me, and it allows me to not attack her. Funny. Seriously. I am allowed to have myself. And that self fell itselfness in love with a girl. a Woman. who unfortunately is 1. not gay 2. your best friend and 3. someone you went through trauma treatment with. Not ideal. But SHE IS SO FUCKING GREAT! Small ones and big ones inside decry. Yes, she fucking is. But we can't fuck her. Because she isn't in the right place for that to happen for her with me right now. It would be bad for her and probably for me. Although I want to pretend I'm tough and could handle it. ARRRRRGH. Because it seems so perfect.
We understand each others fuck ups about sex and weirdness and we'd be patient and loving with each other and it would be safe. But it scares the living shit out of her, so no. NO.
It is because we are scared. We only trust her. Her and Gina. Hah, which I guess means we'd have real sex with Gina. Hah. We can have all sorts of stupid not real sex all over the place, (and we have), but we've only had real sex once, maybe twice with Alan in college. Real sex meaning connected, all there, emotionally there sex. And when it happened with Alan, it was an accident. He was a good guy, I think. I hope. Maybe I'll check up on him on Facebook. Alan Nail.
So we are fucking allowed to own our damn selves. And when your mother hits you, do not strike back.
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