My brother and I have been talking for the past coupla months. Which is a big deal. Because of the way our mother manipulated us, we have stayed pretty seperate as adults. So Jem (my bro) has had a helluva month. He basically has had a trauma breakdown. And we talk/have talked a lot lately about our childhood and our mother and her behavior. There is so much I want to say about Jem, but right now, I just need to get down some points that came up in this convo.
1. Mom sat with Jem at a table and said "You have to become a lawyer, it is like a license to steal." This may not seem like a big deal, who cares. But it is huge. Because the mother I know would never say something like that. So our mother talks to us in different ways. Meaning she is manipulating us, and is fully aware of doing so. The Allison/Mother connection would never think "a license to steal" is a good career choice. We are all about nobility and truth and working hard and making money that way. And doing good, and being ethical and trustworthy. So basically, MY MOTHER IS A LIAR, AND QUITE PROBABLY A SOCIOPATH. A PSYCHOPATH, SINCE I NOW KNOW THEY ARE THE SAME THING. Not just a narcissist, a psychopath.
2. I found out about yet another time when my mother did not tell me that Jem was sick and had had a suicide attempt. She has never told me that Jem's problems were that serious, and thus I was never able to support him. I had NO IDEA how bad it was for him. NONE. And I think my Mom deliberately kept the information from me. She never visited Jem in the hospital, never comforted him. Nothing. Angry, anger starting.
3. Jem just found out that 15 or so years ago, when he was in a relationship with a girl I'll call Mary that Mom did some fucked up stuff. Mary sent a letter to Jem that she was pregnant, and Mom got her hands on it and Jem never saw it. Mom then proceeded to attack this young woman (maybe 19) and call her white trash and a gold digger and that she was making it up to get money from Jem. Mom then paid Mary some amount of money to go away and never talk to Jem again. 16 year old Jem had no idea any of this happened, all he knew was his girlfriend went away and never talked to him again. He was heartbroken and depressed and started smoking weed. Which I now understand, probably made mom very happy in her fucked up head. So fast forward to now (a few months ago), and Mary and Jem connect via Facebook. Mary asks Jem, what was that all about with your mother? Jem has no idea what she's talking about. Mary thinks Jem is bsing her, pretending not to know to not take responsiblity, and it takes four or five conversations before the truth becomes clear- the Jem had no idea, and that mom is a monster.
I am very specifically writing these things down so I can take them to my therapist tomorrow. I am so disgusted and angry that I think I am in intellectualization mode and am numb. But actually, it may be just acceptance. My mother is a monster. I am lucky to have survived. I hope Jem survives this breakdown part of the trauma fucking path. I can only suggest to him what I did, which is to cocoon yourself and GO TO THERAPY. He is a different person, so his path will differ. duh. I just want him to know that he is lucky to be alive, and that he should pat himself on the back for surviving not only our childhood, but also the past month of shenanigans he has self-harmed hisself through. (I am fully aware of my atrocious grammar).
OK, now I am going to fucking be dark and angry and usefully vengeful and watch "Men Who Hate Women" Swedish version, with the amazing kick ass Noomi Rapace. GRRRRRRRRRRRR
1. Mom sat with Jem at a table and said "You have to become a lawyer, it is like a license to steal." This may not seem like a big deal, who cares. But it is huge. Because the mother I know would never say something like that. So our mother talks to us in different ways. Meaning she is manipulating us, and is fully aware of doing so. The Allison/Mother connection would never think "a license to steal" is a good career choice. We are all about nobility and truth and working hard and making money that way. And doing good, and being ethical and trustworthy. So basically, MY MOTHER IS A LIAR, AND QUITE PROBABLY A SOCIOPATH. A PSYCHOPATH, SINCE I NOW KNOW THEY ARE THE SAME THING. Not just a narcissist, a psychopath.
2. I found out about yet another time when my mother did not tell me that Jem was sick and had had a suicide attempt. She has never told me that Jem's problems were that serious, and thus I was never able to support him. I had NO IDEA how bad it was for him. NONE. And I think my Mom deliberately kept the information from me. She never visited Jem in the hospital, never comforted him. Nothing. Angry, anger starting.
3. Jem just found out that 15 or so years ago, when he was in a relationship with a girl I'll call Mary that Mom did some fucked up stuff. Mary sent a letter to Jem that she was pregnant, and Mom got her hands on it and Jem never saw it. Mom then proceeded to attack this young woman (maybe 19) and call her white trash and a gold digger and that she was making it up to get money from Jem. Mom then paid Mary some amount of money to go away and never talk to Jem again. 16 year old Jem had no idea any of this happened, all he knew was his girlfriend went away and never talked to him again. He was heartbroken and depressed and started smoking weed. Which I now understand, probably made mom very happy in her fucked up head. So fast forward to now (a few months ago), and Mary and Jem connect via Facebook. Mary asks Jem, what was that all about with your mother? Jem has no idea what she's talking about. Mary thinks Jem is bsing her, pretending not to know to not take responsiblity, and it takes four or five conversations before the truth becomes clear- the Jem had no idea, and that mom is a monster.
I am very specifically writing these things down so I can take them to my therapist tomorrow. I am so disgusted and angry that I think I am in intellectualization mode and am numb. But actually, it may be just acceptance. My mother is a monster. I am lucky to have survived. I hope Jem survives this breakdown part of the trauma fucking path. I can only suggest to him what I did, which is to cocoon yourself and GO TO THERAPY. He is a different person, so his path will differ. duh. I just want him to know that he is lucky to be alive, and that he should pat himself on the back for surviving not only our childhood, but also the past month of shenanigans he has self-harmed hisself through. (I am fully aware of my atrocious grammar).
OK, now I am going to fucking be dark and angry and usefully vengeful and watch "Men Who Hate Women" Swedish version, with the amazing kick ass Noomi Rapace. GRRRRRRRRRRRR
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