We have it. We have the same strength. the same beauty. the same molten core of life. You have what Gina has, what Bryan has what Jeanette has. You have it. And you don't want to believe you have it. Because.
Because, if you had it, then fucking why? Why all the pain and hurt if I am good? Because life is not fair. And your a beautiful plumed spangly peacock who was beaten in the muck and strangled and told that peacocks don't exist and if they did they are gross and unsettling and unseemly and not right. And FUCK THEM. Peacocks are real and beautiful and just because you aren't one doesn't mean you have to smash me. Because you could have been beautiful too. ...................................... But you chose not to grow. So you are afraid of truth and beauty and light because it hurts you. Because you are not strong? Because you chose the wrong choice? I don't know whats wrong with you. That is a fact. I haven't figured that out yet. But it is not ok. It is not OK to smash peacocks because you are afraid of their tremulous fully flared blue beauty. Their beauty will not hurt you. But I guess you will never understand that.
The point is- Mom- Abuser- you are not interested in communicating and fixing. It would be OK if there was a problem because you were hurt as a child and didn't know how to love correctly, but you wanted to learn as you got older and fix it. BUT THAT IS NOT YOU. this may be the saddest sentence i ever write, you do not want to make things better, you want to lie and be comfortable.
i am sobbing. i am so sad. it is so anticlimactic. my mother is not on the force for good. I want to say "right now", she's not on the force for good "right now", maybe she'll get it later. so sad so sad so sad so sad so gross
.
had a moment, fuck, dont understate it fucking say it. Ok, Had a physical body reaction to our discoveries/feelings, heaved was sick in the sink felt completely disconnected and reoriented myself subconsciously to not think about what i had been thinking about. then cut out mentally and started talking about Dxm and realized we were avoiding mom.
our mother is not interested in fixing this. otherwise she would have done it already. she had the chances, she has had therapy. she did not use therapy. in fact she denigrated it. she is evil.she is not worth your time anymore.
physical reaction happeninga
Because, if you had it, then fucking why? Why all the pain and hurt if I am good? Because life is not fair. And your a beautiful plumed spangly peacock who was beaten in the muck and strangled and told that peacocks don't exist and if they did they are gross and unsettling and unseemly and not right. And FUCK THEM. Peacocks are real and beautiful and just because you aren't one doesn't mean you have to smash me. Because you could have been beautiful too. ...................................... But you chose not to grow. So you are afraid of truth and beauty and light because it hurts you. Because you are not strong? Because you chose the wrong choice? I don't know whats wrong with you. That is a fact. I haven't figured that out yet. But it is not ok. It is not OK to smash peacocks because you are afraid of their tremulous fully flared blue beauty. Their beauty will not hurt you. But I guess you will never understand that.
The point is- Mom- Abuser- you are not interested in communicating and fixing. It would be OK if there was a problem because you were hurt as a child and didn't know how to love correctly, but you wanted to learn as you got older and fix it. BUT THAT IS NOT YOU. this may be the saddest sentence i ever write, you do not want to make things better, you want to lie and be comfortable.
i am sobbing. i am so sad. it is so anticlimactic. my mother is not on the force for good. I want to say "right now", she's not on the force for good "right now", maybe she'll get it later. so sad so sad so sad so sad so gross
.
had a moment, fuck, dont understate it fucking say it. Ok, Had a physical body reaction to our discoveries/feelings, heaved was sick in the sink felt completely disconnected and reoriented myself subconsciously to not think about what i had been thinking about. then cut out mentally and started talking about Dxm and realized we were avoiding mom.
our mother is not interested in fixing this. otherwise she would have done it already. she had the chances, she has had therapy. she did not use therapy. in fact she denigrated it. she is evil.she is not worth your time anymore.
physical reaction happeninga
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