I am forcing myself to sit and write this. This is like when J says she has to do things bit by bit, dragging herself inch by inch to do them. This is that. I don't want to write about this, mostly because I am not use to it, it is stretching, it is uncomfortable. But it has to be done. Now is the time. It is time to write about stuff, when I am not fucked up.
I got caught on the phone last night with a new butterfly friend named E. We were talking, doing the therapy story swap when she asked if I was high. I immediately snapped as back to reality as I could, and said "there is absolutely nothing wrong with me." So I lied. Panic, then immediate shut down about that topic set in. She let it go, so I guess she believed me, or she didn't and she just allowed me to lie. But that is not OK. She is also a trauma survivor and I cannot lie to her about reality. It is absolutely unethical. So I am going to tell her the truth today when we meet for the first time for dinner. Yay, great. I am a fucking asshole.
I've been mulling this over in my head every spare moment since it happened, and that's why I'm writing, because I need to process this BEFORE I talk to E, not WITH E. I don't know her that well yet, and it would be innapropriate and unfair, and immediately fuck up our new friendship boundaries, and I don't want to do that. So maybe I'm not the right friend for her right now. And if she decides that, that would be fine, I have to be fine with it. It does not mean I am a bad person, but just not healthy enough for her. And I don't want to be perpetrating my crap on her. It is not fair to her.
I'm also almost gleeful that somebody FINALLY fucking caught me. I didn't know this, but I was waiting to be caught. And this is where this stuff gets personal and vulnerable. I think I am using DXM to test dissociation vs reality? Like, if I can handle everything on DXM, then I can handle anything? Or maybe, if I can handle life while on DXM, I can allow myself to dissociate in real life (in safe supportive setting)? That's it. I am so fucking afraid of appearing "crazy" or "out of control" or "not rational" that I have a major steel fucking door on anything that seemed irrational, which included allowing voices in my head telepathically telling me something. So I shut that shit DOWN. And I learned to concentrate. CONCENTRATE. To the point of a laser beam. So nothing could distract me. And for the most part on the surface at least, nothing ever did distract me. It worked. Welcome physicist Civil Engineer.
But now through 3.5 fucking years of INTENSE fucking therapy with many different people, but mainly L, I have learned it is safe to let go. If you learn when it's safe, when it's the right time. Because it isn't always the right time. But my problem was more that I NEVER let go, rather than letting go in the wrong places, which seems to be what is the problem for most other butterflies I've met.
And with DXM it is so easy to get to that open, creative sweet spot. Without it I have to.... what .... I guess I have to concentrate, hah. I have to let go. I have to allow myself to be silly and make intuitive leaps that may not seem normal or rational. And it is not being crazy. It is being creatively co-consciously altered. It is being a healthy butterfly. Without drugs, and without being crazy. It is NOT crazy. People may look at me weird, but that's because they don't understand. And I think that has been what I've been doing in therapy, learning exactly what dissociation is and isn't, completely and thoroughly, enough so that I could teach it to someone else. And that someone else I was teaching was me.
Wow. OKay, so back to E. What is the gameplan? What is enough and appropriate to tell her and what is a boundary violation to a new friendship? OK. 1. Tell her she was right about me being high. Validate reality. 2. Apologize that you lied to her, because you understand that invalidating a trauma survivors reality is extremely wrong. 3. Tell her you are working on it, and promise never to talk to her high again without telling her. 4. Tell her you are working on the problem, that you take it seriously, but it is not completely under control yet. 5. So, with this info if she thinks its not safe to be around me, I perfectly understand. I am see-sawing trying to figure healthy out, and I'm going to even out eventually, I'm just not totally there yet.
If she wants to know what I think about it:
I think I can be a good friend to her. I can watch my boundaries. I will utmostly respect her path to getting better. But I honestly don't know. That's the truth, I don't know what's right.
What I don't need to tell her about: why I do DXM. My personal science experiment with DXM. No talking about the creative sweet spot with her. No talking about dissociation too much with her. I can later, but not today. We don't have enough intimacy yet. We ARE NOT IN THERAPY together. There is a difference, although right now I am having a hard time figuring out what that difference is. She does not need to know every thought that is in your head. You are not lying if you are not telling her every thought in your head. That is not deceit. That is technique. Your insightlfulness can hurt people, including yourself, if wielded at the wrong time, just as if you were carrying around a sword, an epee. Very useful tool, but you can't just slash it around like you've been doing. Which is Ok, you are learning. But really, you seem to have a talent that others either don't have or don't admit to having, and just like if you were an X-men, you have to learn to wield your power correctly. Really, it is just like the laser beam eye guy. Except you have to build your own glasses to control the beam yourself. And you are. Yay. Cool, in this metaphor, L is Dr. X. I'll have to tell her. :)
I got caught on the phone last night with a new butterfly friend named E. We were talking, doing the therapy story swap when she asked if I was high. I immediately snapped as back to reality as I could, and said "there is absolutely nothing wrong with me." So I lied. Panic, then immediate shut down about that topic set in. She let it go, so I guess she believed me, or she didn't and she just allowed me to lie. But that is not OK. She is also a trauma survivor and I cannot lie to her about reality. It is absolutely unethical. So I am going to tell her the truth today when we meet for the first time for dinner. Yay, great. I am a fucking asshole.
I've been mulling this over in my head every spare moment since it happened, and that's why I'm writing, because I need to process this BEFORE I talk to E, not WITH E. I don't know her that well yet, and it would be innapropriate and unfair, and immediately fuck up our new friendship boundaries, and I don't want to do that. So maybe I'm not the right friend for her right now. And if she decides that, that would be fine, I have to be fine with it. It does not mean I am a bad person, but just not healthy enough for her. And I don't want to be perpetrating my crap on her. It is not fair to her.
I'm also almost gleeful that somebody FINALLY fucking caught me. I didn't know this, but I was waiting to be caught. And this is where this stuff gets personal and vulnerable. I think I am using DXM to test dissociation vs reality? Like, if I can handle everything on DXM, then I can handle anything? Or maybe, if I can handle life while on DXM, I can allow myself to dissociate in real life (in safe supportive setting)? That's it. I am so fucking afraid of appearing "crazy" or "out of control" or "not rational" that I have a major steel fucking door on anything that seemed irrational, which included allowing voices in my head telepathically telling me something. So I shut that shit DOWN. And I learned to concentrate. CONCENTRATE. To the point of a laser beam. So nothing could distract me. And for the most part on the surface at least, nothing ever did distract me. It worked. Welcome physicist Civil Engineer.
But now through 3.5 fucking years of INTENSE fucking therapy with many different people, but mainly L, I have learned it is safe to let go. If you learn when it's safe, when it's the right time. Because it isn't always the right time. But my problem was more that I NEVER let go, rather than letting go in the wrong places, which seems to be what is the problem for most other butterflies I've met.
And with DXM it is so easy to get to that open, creative sweet spot. Without it I have to.... what .... I guess I have to concentrate, hah. I have to let go. I have to allow myself to be silly and make intuitive leaps that may not seem normal or rational. And it is not being crazy. It is being creatively co-consciously altered. It is being a healthy butterfly. Without drugs, and without being crazy. It is NOT crazy. People may look at me weird, but that's because they don't understand. And I think that has been what I've been doing in therapy, learning exactly what dissociation is and isn't, completely and thoroughly, enough so that I could teach it to someone else. And that someone else I was teaching was me.
Wow. OKay, so back to E. What is the gameplan? What is enough and appropriate to tell her and what is a boundary violation to a new friendship? OK. 1. Tell her she was right about me being high. Validate reality. 2. Apologize that you lied to her, because you understand that invalidating a trauma survivors reality is extremely wrong. 3. Tell her you are working on it, and promise never to talk to her high again without telling her. 4. Tell her you are working on the problem, that you take it seriously, but it is not completely under control yet. 5. So, with this info if she thinks its not safe to be around me, I perfectly understand. I am see-sawing trying to figure healthy out, and I'm going to even out eventually, I'm just not totally there yet.
If she wants to know what I think about it:
I think I can be a good friend to her. I can watch my boundaries. I will utmostly respect her path to getting better. But I honestly don't know. That's the truth, I don't know what's right.
What I don't need to tell her about: why I do DXM. My personal science experiment with DXM. No talking about the creative sweet spot with her. No talking about dissociation too much with her. I can later, but not today. We don't have enough intimacy yet. We ARE NOT IN THERAPY together. There is a difference, although right now I am having a hard time figuring out what that difference is. She does not need to know every thought that is in your head. You are not lying if you are not telling her every thought in your head. That is not deceit. That is technique. Your insightlfulness can hurt people, including yourself, if wielded at the wrong time, just as if you were carrying around a sword, an epee. Very useful tool, but you can't just slash it around like you've been doing. Which is Ok, you are learning. But really, you seem to have a talent that others either don't have or don't admit to having, and just like if you were an X-men, you have to learn to wield your power correctly. Really, it is just like the laser beam eye guy. Except you have to build your own glasses to control the beam yourself. And you are. Yay. Cool, in this metaphor, L is Dr. X. I'll have to tell her. :)
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